The One That Got Away

I always knew I was going to be single.  As a young child, while other kids were vying to be princesses and super heroes, there I was humming

Jingle bells jingle bells

Single all the way….

I just knew it.  My ambition in life was to be single (and to smoke when I grow up).  Maybe having these rather easy ambitions made my childhood anything but ambitious.  I mean look at the goals I had as a kid.  I still wonder if I was super smart or super opposite-of-smart to have set such achievable goals.  Or maybe just plain lazy.  Where is the hard work required of both these goals?  I don’t see any.  No wonder my life wasn’t challenging enough to push me to the edge where I could have created phenomenon like FACEBOOK or TWITTER. [Sighs in retrospect].

However, achieving the smoking goal was much easier than managing to stay single.  The sheer temptations!!!  And most recently (about a year ago), I met the one.  The ONE.  He was the whole package.  And I had to run away…  If there is such a thing as “soulmate”, he was mine.  Meeting him and then getting to know him brought alive all the romantic tales you only hear of.  It was magical.  And I had to run away… run like I’d never run that way.  I was the Forrest Gump and I ran away… I ran away like the wind… I ran away to oblivion…  Technically, I may have been the one that ran away but HE will always be the ONE that got away.

Well, I had to stay true to at least one childhood ambition [I quit smoking about a year ago].  It was like choosing-the-lesser-evil sort of a moment, either keep smoking and get romantically involved with the ONE or quit smoking and run away from the ONE.

My commitment to staying single – a life of Banned “romantic relationship”.

via Daily Prompt: Banned

With Love…

Now, I may have chosen to be single but it doesn’t mean I have been able to dodge the stupid arrows from the Cupid. I have loved, laboured and lost ~ all for the LOVE of being single.

Some of the relationships I’ve had almost foiled my quest BUT in the end these have taught me lessons to last this single’s lifetime!!!

Lesson# 1

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The first fling is actually about my first fling. The second one may not be my second fling so just cut me a slack here. We were both very young and highly experimental.  His experiment was related to substance abuse [Isn’t that a better word for drug addiction?] while I was experimenting on my observational skills.

After the doomed much-awaited break-up, we became buddies. What he said then has in a way shaped me for who I have become after. “You accepted me with the addiction and all, no one’s every done that before.” It was nice to be acknowledged.

But what’s important is the life’s great lesson I learnt and thus resolved that substance abuse is going to be non-existent in my world. I learnt drugs can ruin lives. Maybe that’s one reason why I turned a teetotaler (only drug I’m struggling to beat being that nicotine).

Lesson# 2

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The second fling, being mentioned here, taught me all that I could know about art. When he talked to me about Monet, I googled “MONAY”. I was that bad.

I understood and learnt a lot about art, to be able to see him eye to eye maybe but it definitely helped me. I started frequenting art exhibitions and suddenly it was a whole different world.

I started writing, even. As it is when we talk about artists they’re not just limited to canvasses now, are they?

Lesson#3

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The third fling proved to me that Hollywood romances aren’t just for the movies. He was just another regular guy and love for movies is what had brought us closer enough to fall in love with each other.

He showed me what “kindness of a stranger” phrase can actually do in reality. The lesson I learnt from him is that it doesn’t take a lot nor does it cost a penny to make another being happy. It was wonderful being with him and I am a changed person, in a lot of way, thanks to him.

Lesson#4

Errrr….Which one’s the funny side..?

The fourth fling I am going to mention never had that fairy-tale sorta beginning nor the end. However, what I learnt from that relationship may be worth a lot. This guy taught me how to laugh my way out of adversity. Sense of humour and how desperately we need it is what I learnt from him.

He was this kind of a guy who would say the worst possible thing in a way you wouldn’t know how to react but to laugh out loud. Maybe because of this fling, I am able to see humour in everything good or bad. I don’t know how good or bad it actually is, though.

Lesson# 5

o well!!

The fifth fling taught me everything there is to know about L.O.V.E.

The most important lesson I learnt then was – there is such a thing as “unconditional love”. The relationship did not end in a “happily ever after” in retrospect but while we were at it, happily ever after was as close as it could get.

• I learnt that I could be loved with flaws and all.
• I learnt that I was good enough and that I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else to be accepted.
• I learnt that being on the receiving end is more difficult than being on the giving end.
• I learnt that feeling insecure is not the end of the world.
• I learnt how to look beautiful.
• I learnt heartbreak can actually hurt physically.
• I learnt what it was like to cry for a loved one.
• I learnt why some people give up, even life, when it all ends in the end.
• I learnt how to survive a heartbreak.
• I learnt everything there is to learn from a relationship from this fling. 

All’s well that ends with a lesson learnt well…

Point Blank

Why in the hell are some people born to torture others? especially MOI.

The other day I was in a restaurant when a guy one obnoxious scumbag of a guy came up to me and said, “I’ve seen you before, I’ve met you before..” I said, “Okay, but I don’t remember you or you or you…” Not quite like this, though.

I knew he wasn’t trying to pick me up, thank goodness for that but obnoxious to the core that he was he was obnoxiously unable to read between the lines.

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HIM:  “Which school did you go to?”

s1ngal: “…But why?”

HIM: [Undeterred] “What’s your name?”

s1ngal: [Hesitantly] “…Mary.”

HIM: [racking his emptied brain] “Last name??”

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s1ngal: [Unhesitatingly] “Poppins.”

HIM: [racking his already raked emptied brain] “I think your name’s Nina…” [get this @#$%$^!*& out of my sight, NOW] 

s1ngal: [Pleasant] Wrong girl.

HIM: “Didn’t you use to go around with David?”

s1ngal: [smiles a beautiful radiant smile] ……………. collects her thangs and walks off

Nonetheless, my consolation – he talked to Mary Poppins.

Consolation numero dos – a post here 😀 “All ends well that ends [up] here”

Truly Lonely

I’m happy to be part of NaBloPoMo as a consolation for not being prepared/ ready for the NaNoWriMo. Because my mind’s drawn a blank like it does every time I want to write – I’m taking help from the Daily Prompts.

When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely? 

I’m living a single life – result of my own choosing. Although many people may assume that it’s a lonely thing to do – I say, “feeling lonely” is entirely a different ball game. One may feel lonely being in a relationship or even in a crowd surrounded by kith and kin.

The last time I felt really, truly lonely was on a day when everything fell into place. Rather than writing about when it was last that I felt really, truly lonely – I’d like to write about when I do feel lonely.

I’ve realised, living all by myself – away from family and friends – that I don’t quite feel lonely when I’m sad. I have always been strong enough to sort out my troubles and being single allows me to take a step back, breathe and start over again. My head’s always clear because I’m alone – no conflicting demons in terms of opinions from anyone. It’s me, my decision, my problems, my solutions.

So when do I feel really, truly lonely? Well, I feel lonely when I’m *happy*. The other day I was so happy I wanted to jump up high – which I did – but like Jon Krakauer has written in his book Into the Wild –

 ‘HAPPINESS [is] ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED’

There’s no one to pat my back when I achieve little feats – like the time I learnt how to mow the lawn [all by myself] and I could smell the freshly mown earth. I was drenched in sweat but it was a pleasant experience and right then the unbearable loneliness of being hit me. There was no one to see what I had done, no one to share that joy – joy of doing something so new and quite well.

I’ve learnt to smile at myself, pat my own back… but then again I can’t stop feeling lonely when I’m [supposed to be] happy. Being single, feeling lonely is the price I have to pay for happiness.

a Eulogy

He came into my life breathing life into my otherwise lifeless life. That’s what he did. His presence made living a single life so much easier and until now I could have never imagined living without him, but I have to now and I know I’ll learn to do so.

Well, the last time I saw him, he was on a life-support and there he lies now – lifeless. Was it because of neglect on my part? There wasn’t time to think… I so badly wanted to bring him back to life I tried resuscitating – pressing him and poking him around with a hope to give back what he endearingly gave me once – a life. I failed.

Is he dead? I know he is, there’s no doubt and I DO NOT want to be in denial. But I want to give myself a benefit of doubt – I am going to get an autopsy done. If it’s because of neglect on my part, I will work on redemption. If someone else is guilty, so be it. Knowing what actually happened may be my closure or that’s what I’d like to think.

R.I.P. my friend

I’ve lost my playmate? Who will, now, listen to my endless rants and take notes? Who do I travel with? Who do I listen to? Who do I talk to? Without him, there’s very less I seem to be able to do. Without him, I have become immobile, literally mobile-less 😦

Beside, the more I write, the harder it seems my life ahead. So I stop here.

In memory of my much-loved hard-to-let-go the *apple* of my eye.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Solitary

Dwoooops!!! This is my post on the very weekly-photo-challenge-solitary/

Solitary??? I am… IT. 

…the ride alone…

the flight alone

Blogging about Blogging

Thinking OUT LOUD

This is the most unthought-of POST that will ever be posted IN THIS *oh-so-fantastic* BLOG [ If you MUST go through it, then be warned and be considerate to CONSIDER IT A typed *throwing-up*!!!].

Why do I blog?

I thought I had a clue but actually I don’t.

Why did I start blogging?

I started blogging so that I would get into the habit of writing. Because I’ve always wanted to write. I tried writing, never worked so I started blogging.

Why THIS blog?

Because I am living a single life and I thought there are could be many singles out there tossing and turning about their single-hood. I wanted the single bloggers to know that one can be perfectly all right living a single life and be HAPPY.

No, I’m not a motivational speaker – ALTHOUGH – although I thought I could be one [when I was 11]. So this blog… this blog is a blog about a single girl trying to find a niche…. a single human being trying to find a niche…

Then I realised, it’s not just JUST because I’m single that I’m trying to find a niche [I love this word -niche- so please forgive me for using it 4 times already]. Life, as it happens, is uncertain for singles or anyone in the world. Ironically, life’s almost the same – YOU carry your individuality. You are always YOU [single or in a relationship]. The pursuit of *happyness* thus doesn’t come from living a single life or not. I am a proof. THIS BLOG is a proof.

Every other day I complain about life – it’s never got anything to do with me living a single life. I know in the hearts of my heart [how many hearts do I have, again? ;)], however much it had to do with me being single – the same would have happened if I were not single. I choose what makes me happy, I choose what makes me sad. This blog is about choosing what makes me sad and avoiding it completely.

To live a life, we need ~ friends/ a little money [to go buy]/ a book/ a blog/ an inspiration/ an aspiration/ a roof to live under/ a destination to reach/ a horizon to click/ a flower to smell/ the sky to look up to/ the sun to follow. I’ve found everything in this BLOG… and if I haven’t you definitely will.

What happened then?

Then I fell in love with so many bloggers and their blogs. These days I read more than I write. I read so much that I get inspired and then I keep reading until my eyes hurt. Some days I am unable to write [partly because of the writer’s block, maybe] but then I’m reading a lot, a lot lot. I look forward to poems, anecdotal stories, thoughts of a lunatic, the logic of pretzels and still there are so many of them. So what happened is, I realised blogging isn’t always about writing, it could very well be about READING.

These days I am worried about the next photo challenge ~ Weekly photo challenge, Sunday post, Travel theme ~ only because I AM ALLOWED to participate. There’s no one to tell me “I’m not good enough” even if I am not good enough. I’m just enjoying, let me enjoy and that’s what I do. I enjoy. I am never going to be a PROfessional photographer, I don’t want to be. As you can see, what happened is I started to enjoy posting the photos I have clicked.

I may write less but I’m definitely learning MORE. And there’ve been a lot of times when the post that I’m thinking about writing has just been posted. Think about intelligent minds thinking alike. So what do I do? I *like* the post and sometimes even *comment*. Needless to say, appreciation happened. Instead of sitting there with a frown, I’ve started liking the idea of like-mindedness. It just goes to show that I am NEVER alone and NEVER will be. Being single, however, is a totally different ballgame although with the ball always in my court.

What next, then?

Well, I’ll enjoy blogging… duh!!!

SUNDAY POST: Reflection

better early than late. but what do I get for being early??? Worms??? 😀 All right, all right I am making excuses for my lateness/ laziness, whatever/ whichever. Anyway just came across http://jakesprinters.wordpress.com/2012/09/01/sunday-post-reflection/ by sheer luck.

And here’s my reflection on *Reflection*

being single isn’t easy, all travel pics are or of the landscapes :sighs: and a self-portrait looks like this 😦

and the obvious: the landscape, of course

saying YES to NO ~ a sequel

“I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.”
– Billy Joel

I am not a negative person but many a times saying NO can be theee most positive thing. I have learned it from past experiences ~ a lesson learned the hard way. If you have had difficulties saying NO, you’re not alone. BUT for people used to saying “NO” easily, this post may not “go down” that easily.

As far as I am concerned, I still have difficulties saying “NO” partly because I’m worried how the recipient may feel. Rejection is a scary thing, not only to receive but to give as well.

trying to…

Let us first understand WHEN to say NO:

Obviously when you don’t want to say YES [sick!! I know]

Sometimes we say “Yes” despite wanting to say “NO” because we think we can protect the one we love by saying “Yes” we are protecting our loved one from feeling hurt or offended. It’s a good thing to say “Yes” to Mom’s cookies when you’re full and it’s perfectly all right to nibble on them until you can thank her for the spare tire around your belly area, in the years to come. This is more like “Honesty is NOT ALWAYS the best policy”.

BUT when the person who’s going to get hurt is YOU, that’s when it’s time to say “NO”.

IMAGE SOURCE: http://memegenerator.net/instance/21825996

Now HOW to say NO:

Once you learn when it’s time to say NO, you must know how to say it. I’ve always known when to say NO, it’s easy to identify when to say NO but it’s difficult to pin down on HOW to say it. Because let’s face it, you may earn a “selfish” label or a “self-centred” label once you start using NO. The best way is to make excuse. Let’s try it.

http://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-Respectfully

Pretty good advice, I am working on Points 2, 4, 5 and 7.

If you aren’t strong enough [read: if you are as weak as the blogger here], you can practice putting up a blank expression or a frown to say NO. Also, you can pretend not to hear and walk away before the speaker repeats himself/ herself. Just get up and get away from the environment that’s forcing you to say NO, it obviously isn’t a good environment to linger around.

WHAT to do after saying NO:

If your heart thumps like mine after I say NO, well.. personally I think it’s pathetic. But heart’s a heart’s a heart ~ one’s gotta be nice to one’s heart. So let it thump and come back to its normal beat. Once you say NO, don’t regret it. Your NO may not always be right but we all learn through trials and errors. I’ve lost few so-called pals over the years because they couldn’t see me beyond my NO. I wonder if it’s a big loss, though.

Also note that when you say no, it might attract some “labels”. Don’t worry about them. As long as you’re comfortable with your NO, there’s no need to worry about whatever names it may bring you. If people give you names for your NO, ask yourself “Is it worth having them around?” As simple as that.

…errr well… I guess that’s how you can find the “balance”…

5 Feel-alive

Life gets so monotonous at times that I dread calling it living. I dare not call myself dead either – because I am a breathing being until the day/ night when the elementary routine of breathing in and out ceases…

There are few things that push me to the edge, however, and remind me “Hey, I may be living…. after all”  These are simple things, really simple ones. I’m not an adrenaline junkie so I don’t go to extremes and these simple everyday things do make me feel alive.

I wanted to post Celine Dion’s “Alive” video but I’m a technically-challenged cave-girl.

My 5 feel-alive:

1. Hunger: I don’t feel hungry often…

Like the many slips between the cup and the lips – many treats slip through my lips and obviously and obliviously, both, I’m snacking on some fries and deep-fries… Until one day when I begin noticing all my normal tops have morphed into figure-hugging ones. The binge-eating stops and I go back to 3.5 meals a day.

Then comes a time when I don’t have time to eat. So I skip breakfast and then run the errands to realise I’m broke and i can’t afford to get a quick bite. So I come back home famished and all burned out – open the fridge and gasp in shock at :NOTHING: The rumbling stomach bellows, roars and thunders – I’m exasperated, devastated. But I manage to crack a smile – because at that very point I do feel *alive*. I don’t know how or why…. but just then is when I “Feel Alive”.

2. Anger: The rage that boils inside threatening to erupt like a volcano – stays put. I get angry at times, so angry that the blood boils beyond the boiling point. I want to shoot-at-sight people who are responsible for it. I picture the most sadistic torture for these people and it enrages me more to know that all I can do is IMAGINE slapping them, twisting them until their bones snap. And then I laugh out loud – a split-second before the volcano erupts – for at this moment, too, I feel alive.

3. Slumber: Sleeping and sleep-induced dreaming make me feel alive too. Running all day from one end to the other to make both ends meet, at the end of the day I like to lie down on my IKEA couch bed – worn out, yet loved, despite the springs inside which poke me like crazy  – and fall asleep, just like that. The dream that ensues brings about the feel-more-alive feel.

4. Heartbreak: When my heart gets broken – obviously because the expectations were never lived up to – I break down. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a Shakespearean kind of tragedy – or even a failed romance. My heart gets broken a lot because I wear my heart on my sleeves and I am a proud owner of rose coloured glasses. As I cry rivers and oceans for yet another broken heart, the little voice inside my head merges into a mirth – for even then I feel strangely alive.

5. A cold shower: I wear this as a medallion. No matter how chilly the weather , I can stand under the jet of a cold shower. In my friends’ circle, this is how I may have become a legend. When that first few icy cold drops hit my warm unprepared [no matter what] body –> I do let out a sigh, I hold my breath, the teeth start clattering, the hands tremble and I feel alive, completely.

I know I can…

All the pointers were rhyming except the *Heartbreak* [right in the middle of nowhere ~ without the “er”]. Hunger, Anger, Slumber and Shower [even]… Heartbreak may sound like no rhyme or reason, but it isn’t and also please note that I have successfully resisted the temptation to write *Heart breaker*.

Photo Courtesy:

http://moonfox1781.deviantart.com/art/I-m-Alive-165538213

http://www.proprofs.com/flashcards/cardshowall.php?title=vocabulary-words–hungry-spider–turtle

http://www.southbaytreatment.com/anger-management

http://itshouldbetumbler.tumblr.com/

http://www.jaradite.com/thoughts_december2002.html