One of my biggest fears when it comes to living the life I’ve decided to live is – What happens….. later?
As of now, I’m carefree (sort of). Even with my supersonic-ally depleting finance, I’m still managing to stay afloat, still trying to write or rather type, sometimes even post a blog here. I have no one but myself to blame for my meagre income and errr I’m not complaining. How I wish my fear were limited to finance! It’s not. Because I’m hoping that before I retire, I’ll find something to retire on, I mean money-wise. If not there’s always a chance I’ll get involved in big bank heists.
The BIG Fear
What bothers me more than my finance is – Once upon a time an obnoxious colleague from my ex-workplace had predicted that I’ll turn into a never-married-nagging old hag. His words have been nagging me ever since.
The story of my DESK:
- A neat desk was next to impossible when I was in my teens. I never had a desk earlier (I mean it was there somewhere obscured by the books, papers, clothes and what not). I know my mom’s going to flip if she ever finds/ sees my desk this way. Have I grown up?? If that’s the case, I don’t mind.
- Now, if my desk isn’t that way, I freak out, I yell, I scream (in my heart and mind) at the one who’s tried to disturb the sanctum of my uncluttered desk. As soon as the culprit is out of sight, I quickly bring back the sanctity. There was a time my desk was so cluttered, it was invisible. Now I have a desk which, when I look back, comes as a BIG surprise to my older-self. I must have grown up, I still don’t mind.
- What I’ll soon really/ actually mind is – as of now I’m screaming/ yelling in silence. However, somewhere in the future is a possibility that the yelling/ screaming, like my desk, may surface to audibility and thus visibility. Those screamings and yellings will obviously spell “naggings”.
I seriously do not want to give my colleague the pleasure of being correct. We are no longer in touch but that’s not the point. If I turn into a nagger, I’ll definitely be proving him right. Every passing day when I complain about little things which aren’t done the way I want them to be done, I ask myself – Am I “really” turning into a nagger?
But what’s it got to do with me being single? At the end of the day, we all become naggers when we grow old, don’t we? It’s actually not nagging but it’s the knowing. “Ignorance is bliss” and so there’s no need to nag; obviously now, is there? One doesn’t need to be a rocket-scientist to understand that if “ignorance” is equal to “bliss” than “knowledge” the opposite of “ignorance” is equal to “misery” the opposite of “bliss”. When in misery, everything’s miserable and thus the “nagging” comes about.
Hence, I’d like to stress on the fact that “nagging” has more to do with knowledge than growing old s1ngle. Tidying my desk isn’t the only thing that’s changed in me with time.
- I used to be the shortest-tempered person ever known (to people who knew me) and these days people (the others who’ve come to know me of late) ask me if I ever get angry.
- I no longer argue and I don’t get infuriated when someone doesn’t listen to my side of the story. I’ve learned they have their own version and instead I listen to them to learn about the other side of the coin (whether I like it or not stays with me).
- Look at me, I’ve started blogging (opening myself up to the whole world out there). There was a time I used to keep my journals and poems locked up, scared what “they” might think of it.
- Beauty was vanity before but now I’ve learned it’s more of a therapy and that anyone can look beautiful. Also I’ve become fully aware of the explosive combination of beauty and brain which in turn becomes a HUGE confidence booster (especially as the proud bearer of such combination). I’m absolutely self-confident.
- I had some kind of self-destructive tendencies but now I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to accept compliments that come my way, without being too cynical about it. “Why is he/she giving me compliments? What does he/she want?
- Grudges are a thing of past. I forgive others and when it comes to forgiving myself, it’s even faster.
- I have a crush on Prince Harry and no longer do I imagine another damsel in distress waiting to be swept off her feet. I AM the one WAITING. Unlike the times I was growing up, now my stories about the good looking boys I meet have me starring opposite them 😉
- Further to my change above, I no longer think that I have to be holed up in a corner just because I’ve chosen to be single. In contrast, I go out and have fun and I definitely enjoy every bit.
- I’m pretty sure I’ve become someone I’d have loved to hang around with as a kid.
- I have quit smoking.
Of course there are more changes but at the moment those are inappropriate in terms of relevance. Hence nagging has nothing to do with me being s1ngle and everything to do with me becoming more knowledgeable. The fearful question, however, still remains – to nag or not to nag. Well, if nagging comes along with a price tag of all the lovely virtues above, then to hell with my ex-colleague’s accuracy of prophecy. Let him be the prophet while I’ll be a proud old-nagging hag.
For now, I’m confident especially from my rambling above that I’ll justify all or any vices as and when they emerge. If nagging is the result of gaining knowledge, what are the chances of me being caught with my guards down? Zilch, I suppose.
Sine qua non – As far as “later” is concerned, I’d rather hum to Doris Day’s number “…whatever will be, will be… the future’s not ours to see… que sera sera”