Archive | January, 2013

That’s When

30 Jan

In the Dumps

Fell out with life, so

Joy’s broken up with me

Bad time’s now my only good friend.

 

i LOVE what i LOVE

29 Jan

I am who I am and i LOVE what i LOVE.

I’ve always been vocal about what I love – I’m saying “what” not “who” so do not get any ideas :thinks she’s made a brilliant remark here: [PATHETIC, I know]. So yeah, back to me being vocal about what I love – things I love.

There was a time I could never get enough of those potato wedges – I used to gulp and swallow and munch [not in that particular order or any other order for that matter] these things and still come back for more. Now, the reason I said “I am very vocal” is because when I fall in love with certain things – I just keep chanting them like some kind of mantra. I keep saying how much I [used to] love these wedges. My neighbours get sick and tired of hearing me rant about these things that I’ve come to love so much [as they hear it way too many times to not get “sick and tired” of].

tastes best with sour cream & sweet chilli sauce: IMAGE SOURCE

tastes best with sour cream & sweet chili sauce: IMAGE SOURCE

But guess what, eventually the same “sick and tired” listeners get tempted and they give in to them wedges. The worst part then is that they too fall in love with these things and I can’t believe it’s the same listeners who once got “sick and tired”. The worse than the worst part again is now I hear me [my words] coming out of their stuffed [with wedges dipped in sour cream and sweet chilli] mouth. Talk about plagiarism :sigh:

I love things – yes, I love them to bits and I keep saying it over and over. That’s the way I am. When I love things, I love them unconditionally… there’s just nothing that could ever change my unconditional love…

…And then inevitable as it is, I move on… while my listeners are still hooked to it. Now, here comes the best part. Once I move on, I normally don’t go back to where I was and just the way I am vocal about things I love – well, I’m equally if not more vocal about the things that disgust me. My words coming out of another being [that too after I’ve moved on] disgust me. So, I’m not only vocal with words but with my facial expressions, too.

The better than the best part is – the confusion in their faces.

 

Hope sweet Hope

28 Jan

It’s embarrassing to know that your friends *with money* are embarrassed to be seen with you *without money*. But hello… I have ambitions and I have plans.

Some day I will get my unwritten book published, which is going to make me oh-so famous… and popular. That day, YOU all i.e. friends *with money* – yes YOU all, the ones who are snubbing me now… yes YOU all will not have the pleasure of having been acquainted to this bestselling author.

YOU know why… well I’ve got a plan. It’s because I wouldn’t have used my name – no, I’m not leaving it anonymous. I’m going to get a good friend’s name on it – as the writer’s. She / he will have never known YOU all.

Yes. And so, before I write that amazingly great book I must find that good friend.

And so, I shalt wait. Hope is where my heart is… Hope sweet hope!

Loveless: Weekly Photo Challenge

27 Jan

Loveless in WordPress

The theme’s got me thinking…

Who do I love? No meaningful nods there… no looking away with his images… no friends who I can say I actually love… no family members I can even pretend to love.

I still want to give it a go… Maybe I’ll try pointing out some things I love (to do)

  • movies [can’t buy, borrow or steal them anymore 😦 ]
  • books [reading A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby – very time appropriate, I think]
  • travelling [another can’t-afford luxury]
  • blogging/ writing [if the writer’s block cares to leave me be]

And it’s just struck me… what I love doing the MOST ….

dAydreAming - i LOVE

dAydreAming – i LOVE

 

Bad Days: Revisited

22 Jan

When things went bad, it really did. I’m just revisiting the time between mid December 2012 to mid January 2013 – I am doing this because:

  1. firstly, I need to know if I was really down in the dumps or was my mind playing dirty filthy tricks
  2. secondly, I need a closure if I need to start afresh.
  3. lastly, I do not want to go down the lane ever again.

So what happened?

A friend called to inform me she’d be coming over for a week. I was glad to have a friend around – after all it was the festive season and so on and so forth. Next thing I know, she here with her fiance. Next to the next thing I know, her fiance is here with his mother. They all wanted a “change of scene”.

Now, although I do live by a lake – it, in no way, means I am filthy rich. Luckily, I had the house for myself – my roommate having gone away to enjoy her holidays. I gave up my room for the mother out of respect, of course. Then, we pitched 2 tents – one for the couple in love and one for me.

  • I was homeless. I didn’t have the warmth of my bed and I lost the undisputed remote control over my TV.

They arrived on 26th and I was having a good time, sans my room, sans my TV, sans my bed – but a good time, I was having. I didn’t want the festive season to be anything other than a good time.

To make up for the missed Christmas gala, we decided to make a campfire and have a good dinner. It was then that my friend told me 27th being her fiance’s birthday, that we stay up till midnight. Once the clock struck 12, we sang the “birthday” jingle and we decided to call it a night around 1 am. By then, the fiance was drunk, totally pissed. When we finally parted ways, I heard him call out my name. Once in my tent, just when I was tucking myself in my phone rang. It was the fiance. He had called to see if I was okay.

  • From the very next day, the couple started fighting/ arguing about things. There was a strange tension between them.

That night, my friend slept in my tent. Their rows were ear-sore. The next night, she came to my tent again and then I sent her back because I needed some space desperately.

  • I wished they’d leave. I didn’t want them to stay through to January. I didn’t want them around.

That night, there was no yelling around and so both of them came to my tent. I got into talking – about how it’s sometimes awfully awful to be living the way I am. The fiance was listening – very sympathetic and very responsive – he was saying all the things I wanted to hear. Encouraged, I kept at it. Then, out of the blue, my friend intervened.

  • She pointed out to me, my flaws – I didn’t know I had so many of them. Everything that went wrong was my doing

I put up a brave face and nodded my way into the end of her advice. We called it a night just after midnight. Once, they were gone I cried. I wish I could write why I cried but I am not that brave.

Next morning, she asked us [the fiance and I] to go shopping as she just wanted to sit back and relax. I badly wanted time alone [especially after what had happened last night] so I walked out while the fiance was having breakfast. She came running to me asking to wait up for him. I said I’d rather go alone.

  • “Is there something going on between you two?” she shouted. 

WTF. WTF. I walked out, I didn’t want to be around them – not for another second.

Once I came back, I went straight to my tent. That night the fiance made some soup and my friend called me to join them for dinner. Ha!!

I didn’t speak to them until they left on the 2nd.

Post their departure:

I couldn’t figure out where, when how and why things could have gone this way. The damage had been done and I didn’t know my way back. Time being the biggest healer, the normalcy slowly crept back in – slowly but surely – although I was still hurting.

Then one friend presented me a bamboo ashtray that he had made himself. Sweet!! I know and I also knew the positive was flowing in.

The day I came back to blog and while I typed the first letters, my fingers froze. Then the messages from the Lunatic, NICOLITE, Koji San – I finally saw the light at the end of that dark, filthy tunnel.

The next day i.e. Jan 14, I dismantled my tent and moved back into my room.

  1. I need to know if I was really down in the dumps or was my mind playing dirty filthy tricks – I was down in the dumps and it wasn’t my mind playing dirty filthy tricks. 
  2. secondly, I need a closure if I need to start afresh. Check. Closure needed, closure delivered.
  3. lastly, I do not want to go down the lane ever again. Never say never. I may go down that lane again but I’ll react better, I swear.

Friends, frenemies, enemies – Come who may, I will see the silver lining until my dying day….

Yesterday… once more

21 Jan

Oh well, yesterday I saw this amazingly good looking guy… well, I have something for guys with facial hair, I swear. The moment I saw him, I was… errr well…  my whole world stopped… just like in movies/ books, I guess… I just couldn’t stop grinning [ear to ear]. Beard at first sight and I was in love at second. The more I looked at him the better he seemed to look… there was a small spot on his left cheek right above his beard… and he had such lovely pout… and I just couldn’t get my eyes off him…….. U…N…T…I…L

beard

this is how HE looked – image source

[The grinning stopped, so abruptly]… when next to HIM I saw a shadow… and realised it wasn’t a shadow. Then I saw his hands locked in hers. I connected the hand to HER face… It was HER turn to grin, a smug “I have HIM” grin… I grinned back, no longer that smitten grin, though… mine now was a smugger “WUH-EVA I’m better looking than you” grin. We all parted ways happier than when we bumped into each other [or so I’d like to believe].

Beyond Weekly Photo Challenge

20 Jan

My photos for the week’s photo challenge – BEYOND!!! To find out more click here OR simply *Like* my entry 😉

beyond

 

beyonnd

 

Rambling for Writing

16 Jan

It’s kinda difficult to get back into writing/ blogging on a daily basis… I have been staring at the screen, toying with ideas, typing and backspacing the typed texts… I have been doing that for more than 2 hours…

And because I had been staring long enough, I had to stare away… and then I clicked the picture of this dream catcher which seems to have caught an insect 🙂

pokhara-the End 153 (2)

While uploading the picture, I am reminded of this beautiful number only because I clicked the dream catcher… and now that I’m listening to it, I just want to go back to bed and dream… or maybe I don’t need a bed after all…

…and then again… the staring continues…. O_O    

Starting Over

15 Jan

The past few weeks – “the season of merriment”, “the holiday season” – have been horrible on me. I wish I could point out why… but I just can’t. I chickened out and hid behind the dark shadows of gloom when everyone out there was celebrating. Why was I scared to celebrate?

For me to start over, I need to know why or how I ended in the dumps first.

It all began with one question. “So… what exactly are you doing – here? now?” I just smiled. It was funny and light. The person asking me was genuinely concerned. The second time around, it had almost the same effect. But then… then it started pouring my way. It felt as if the whole world wanted to know what exactly is it that I am doing here. My life went spiraling down when I heard my own voice asking me the same question and yet I didn’t know why I was here.

I was here for a reason. I knew it for sure. Maybe up until when I ignored the question [for the first time], I knew why I was here. Then I forgot the answer because I was only reminded of the question. Besides, for whatever reasons I had for living a life like this – I just began living it without asking myself the “whys”. The mundane routine – of getting up, fetching a cup of coffee, going to the nearest cafe for that special apple-pie, taking pictures of  myriad shades of the lake – was enough for me to go by.

But the questions… Somewhere, within me I had an answer but I couldn’t rake it out. I spent days and nights trying to find it. My world turned upside down and yet I was without an answer – What am I doing here? I gave up blogging and replaced it with smoking. Still no answer. I cried alone at nights – the morning didn’t bring any answer.

And then…

A stranger’s comment, the other day, “I can see why you could leave everything and live here…” – my first enlightenment. Am I here to live by the lake? Could it be just that?

An email from a friend, “How’s your writing going on, Missy?” – my second enlightenment. I am here to write OR am I?

Met a friend, she asked “When are you starting your flying class?” – my AHA moment. I was meant to fly. I took this break to take up a flying course. DUH!!!

Now that I know [or rather, I am reminded of] why I am here, living a laid-back life; I am going to start over. Being born with rose tinted glasses, I have tried not to see the world differently. For me, everything is pleasant and so I am labelled “shallow” or “naive” or “living in a bubble”. That’s what I am, that’s who I am. Whether the writing happens or not, whether I take that flying course or not, whether I can afford to live by the lake for the rest of my life or not… I am going to be who I am.

I just wish I wouldn’t [at times] listen to the voices which eventually begin to sound like mine.

It’s a Wonderful Life, is it really?

14 Jan

It was that time of the year… the time to get busy buying gifts, looking for recipes to treat family and friends [perhaps], the time for merriment… the time to review…

In reference to the much-favoured Christmas time movie – “It’s a Wonderful Life” – thus was my time to review, to look back and look back more and then just keep looking.

The way I saw it, then!

So many what-ifs come my way as I review my life. I am upset, I am happy, sad and not sad. I don’t know the exact state of my mind. Hence, the review.

What if I were to stand by a bridge, ready to end my life?

–        Would anyone be praying for me as did Bailey’s children?

–        Would someone from up above send down my guardian angel?

–        Would the angel get the much coveted wings?

1 (2)

To the first question – NO, no one’s going to pray for me. I have avoided all or any relationship for the last two years [the years of seclusion/ social isolation]. My family don’t know where exactly I am at this moment. I have tortured them and in return have tortured myself [looking back, that’s exactly what I see or how I see it].

With my family out of the question to pray for my worthless/ useless life, I might be left with a hope that my friends might be the one praying. Not for long, though. Let’s face it, I DO NOT have friends. Along with my family, I have alienated friends – the ones who keep mailing me once in a while [despite knowing all too well that they won’t hear a thing from me]. They might have prayed for me had they known I’m standing over a bridge in an attempt to end my life. They do not know and so they won’t pray for me.

To the second question – I’m pretty sure it’s a positive. Someone from up above will be sending down my guardian angel. After all, I’d otherwise be wasting a precious life in the blink of an eye OR at the drop of a body.

To the third question – NO, a hundred percent negative. I’d thus like to take this space to apologise to my guardian angel who might have to live without eir much coveted wings. All I wish [from the bottom of my heart] is that the “angels” would keep passing me on from one to the other by the time I take that dreadful final jump.

Why?  Let me tell you why…

Back to the “It’s a Beautiful Life” reference, my angel does drop by [ey has to, ey is obliged to, it’s eir duty or whatever reasons poor ey is made to do so] and jumps off the bridge, an instant before I make that plunge.

–        Yes, I’ll follow immediately. A big splash followed by not so big splash [considering my weight and hoping my angel’s a hefty cute teddy bear like] and there I will be saving my angel, tugging em to the shore.

–        Next thing you know, ey’ll be telling me ey’s my Guardian Angel and that ey’s here to help [because ey’s obligated to, because ey wants the wings for emself].

–        What follows next is me wailing and crying over how useless my life is and how all problems would be solved had I never been born.

–        My angel, being as powerful, tries to show me how the world would have been “had I not been born”.

–        END OF THE STORY.

angel & s1ngal

What we [the Angel and I] see:

My parents’ land [their biggest asset] has been transformed into a beautiful apple orchard. The land may not be big but the beauty is just Eden-like [maybe, I haven’t seen the Eden garden but I like to think it’s what that piece of land would have looked like had it had a chance to bloom/ blossom]. The land that my parents sold off just to get me to college, has trees with apples so …… [speechless].

My big brother looks suave, confident [having taken all the attention from parents and relatives, I being no longer in the picture]. He looks intelligent [some things you can just see] for Dad must’ve given him the lessons I snatched from him from right under his nose. Dad must’ve spent ample time to turn him into a wise soul – the way he looks now.

My mom is happy – there are no “worry” lines in her face, after all the only person who’s given her all the worries “was never born”.

I don’t see the girl who almost died of malnutrition. I had saved her by donating my blood. The angel tells me she never saw the light of the week. I see her little brother [all grown up] standing outside a cafe with “Homeless & Hungry” tag. [I haven’t scored any points, tsk].

Some children in the neighbourhood, who I’d babysat for, are all grownups – doing just as well [whether or not I “had been born”].

angel dies

I wish I had never never-ever watched the movie :sigh: for I’ve virtually killed an angel :'[]

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