Tag Archives: life

I’ve come a LONG way

31 Jul

Daily Prompt: Pat on the Back

by michelle w. on July 31, 2013

Tell someone you’re proud of just how proud you are.

I do have come a long way. Yes, indeed I have.

I was barely a teen when I learnt that it was okay to be embarrassed of your own parents –> you’ll find a little insight here. Ever since my dad forgave me for hesitating to be seen with him, the lesson sort of backfired.

It was then that I learnt that I could hide who I was and no one would be able to tell the difference. The confusion of who I actually was and who I was pretending to be paid its toll especially on my self-esteem. And then, people happened. And then, peer pressure happened.

I wanted to become a boy [my teen self assumed that if I were a boy, it would solve all the problems in my life]. I started sneaking into my brother’s shoes [3-4 size bigger than mine], stuffing them with socks to fit my tiny [size 3, even now] feet. I cropped my hair short, wore hoodies and spoke like someone not me.

From an A grade student I came down to C’s and D’s. My teachers were stunned to see me backing out from writing competitions and elocution.  I alienated myself from my schoolmates, family and basically everyone around me. On top of that, I was constantly at a battle with my anger issues. I was becoming a prisoner of my own vice. The days of experimenting with strange drugs were on the rise. I was doomed, well almost.

But times were a changing…. In high school, I met this amazing friend who accepted me with all these vices. I’m still and will always be grateful for her for what she did to me then. She saw the sensitive side of me beyond the anger. It was strange and I never admitted then, but her acceptance was the beginning of my real self’s comeback. I wrote for the school magazine and was the ghost-writer for two of my friends.

Then I hit the couch where my therapist told me that my anger was actually a shield to protect my hyper-sensitive self. It was too shocking not to be true. Although, I managed to laugh at him and never saw him again, it was still too shocking to be true. But true, it so was. That’s when I began looking myself in the mirror and I actually saw me. The meek me was pathetic but it was good to see ME after so long.

Slowly but surely, I let my guards down.

And today, when people make fun of me my sensitive self starts sulking… But I don’t change for their sake. Instead I let myself heal. I know that there’ll always be people who’ll find me funny. So be it!

And today, when people say I’m acting silly, I nod my head in agreement. I let them know this is who I am, in silliness and in sanity. I know that if I’m not acting silly maybe I’m not acting me and I’d rather always be me.

And today, when people accuse me of being too selfish and self-centred, I shrug my shoulders because I know I of all the people MUST love myself. 

And today, when people complain about how I’ve changed into an insensitive being, I smile. Only I and my new-found self know that the ride has been and is still going to be worth it.

And today, I can take everything coming from people. Even acceptance.

And today, I feel free.

And today, I know myself better.

And today, I am comfortable with myself.

And today, I accept me with the flaws and the scars.

And today, I do pat myself on the back.

And today, I tell YOU I’m proud of just how proud I am.

[p.s. This is the best coincidence actually. I was thinking of writing this post when I saw today’s daily prompt… some days you are just meant to write what you were meant to write… after all]

noThink

30 Jul

Ok, if you thought the title is misspelled, it’s actually not.  You’ll know sooner than later. Right here as part of the Daily Prompt and here’s what it’s prompted–>

Daily Prompt: Drawing a Blank

by michelle w. on July 30, 2013

When was the last time your walked away from a discussion, only to think of The Perfect Comeback hours later? Recreate the scene for us, and use your winning line.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us HEATED.

Indeed, there have been many many I mean many times where I’ve walked away from a discussion, only to think of the Perfect Comeback hooooouuuuurs [you know what I mean] later.

Now, this is the thing. During an argument [read discussion] my mouth opens and my tongue starts clicking and my lips open and close forming different shapes, the actions of them all make me look and sound like I’m arguing but maybe I’m not. The sounds come out and although I know it’s my voice, I do not understand a word. Why? Well, because there’s that no-think blank that I’ve drawn all around/ within the argument.

And then again, I’ve got an opportunity to rant about drawing a blank during the last discussion, thanks to the Daily Prompt. Wow!!! Perfect, right?!? WRONG!!!! I’ve drawn a blank [yet again]. I know I’ve had arguments [a whole lot of them] the last time around when I was forced to walk away flustered and fuming. Those were the nights when I had to console myself with “action speaks louder than WORDS. So what if that argumentor [if there be a word] cornered you with nothing to say, you DID walk out. You let that smartypants know [through your action] that you disagreed by walking out. Good on you and now pat yourself on the back.”

Those were also the nights I had answers for everything. I knew how to throw them off guard with my “perfect comeback” and I could see their faces flushed [down the toilet is all I would care]. I’d sleep happier with a hope that there would be a next time with the same discussion and I’d get back at them – with a vengeance. But, the chances of having the same discussion can be compared to lightning being struck the same place twice.

I’m not embarrassed to admit that I’m having the same problem now. I know that once this baton of opportunity has been passed to another prompt [tomorrow], I shalt be overwhelmed with how I could have shown you HEATED. I know I’ll have heaps of “perfect comeback blogs” with the perfect recreation of the scene and a whole lot of winning lines…. But, alas! That’s not going to happen now.

Let’s see if this can serve as the winning line for now:

I don’t have a forethought nor an afterthought and ridiculously I don’t even have any thoughts in between. 

Happy Anniversary

29 Jul

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com says wordpress.com.

Happy ANNIVERSARY

Happy ANNIVERSARY

Only happy is missing – at this at this particular moment. So I was out, to a place where unplugged isn’t a version of an artist’s performance – it just means unplugged in terms of internet. Maybe if I had tried a tad bit harder, I’d have got it but who wants to work hard let alone tad bit harder… hence the absence!!! I hope I’ve explained myself real well :couldn’t be prouder smirk:

BAH!!!

Now, to my most annoying home coming ever.

I came home [since home is where the heart is and my heart at present is on the money, literally… hence here home basically means my workplace] to my homies [since I’m a residential employee along with some more – read homies / colleagues]. At this point, I’d like to enlighten you a bit about where I work. I work at a “Nights in Rodanthe” kinda place only it’s not in Rodanthe and it’s not an inn and we don’t look forward to good-looking middle aged guy coming this way to fall head over hills for. If this doesn’t explain then well errrrr GO FIGURE!!! :fumes:

Now that that’s explained… well all was well, we were catching up until I got real caught up. My roomie has been taking full advantage of my being away :shocked: I do not want to go into the details but she’d been helping herself with my small nest egg :appalled: [FYI –> I may be being cheap but what the heckkk!??! My total nest egg kinda amounts to $70 to be precise :ahem:]

It may not be all about money – it’s about trust and all the big words involved. Should I be glad to announce that she’s being fired or should I keep that my  dirty little secret?? Well, let’s just say “time will tell” and get it over with, for now.

Besides, my bad home coming would only be waiting to get worse… Here’s why. The roaches have somehow planted themselves quite into a farm and are now cropping up from everywhere in my room… it’s  a roach farm… yelp for help!!!

Anyway, now that my worst home coming ever has been explained, AMEN to happy ANNIVERSARY.

Ergo, let me recount my one year of blogging…

Done recounting – it’s 197 posts in 365 days. Hmmmm not bad, well verrrrrrrrrry bad indeed.

Hang on! Are recounting and counting the same thing?!?O.o

Wha’ever!!!! Next year hopefully I’d be able to recount and not just count :sighs:

Weekly photo challenge: Changing seasons’ sunsets

10 Dec

Living a fast paced life until last year, I swear I never had time to notice the changing seasons. When seasons changed, my wardrobe changed and that was changing seasons for me – no exaggeration!

However, ever since I’ve swapped my “fast-paced-life” to this “laid-back socially-isolated-life” — I have discovered that the sun doesn’t always set in the same spot. Yeah, laugh at me… but it’s like discovering a miracle.

Hence, a second round for this week’s photo challenge – Changing sunsets/ Changing seasons

Then:

 

Now,

Can you tell the difference?

saying YES to NO ~ a sequel

2 Sep

“I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.”
– Billy Joel

I am not a negative person but many a times saying NO can be theee most positive thing. I have learned it from past experiences ~ a lesson learned the hard way. If you have had difficulties saying NO, you’re not alone. BUT for people used to saying “NO” easily, this post may not “go down” that easily.

As far as I am concerned, I still have difficulties saying “NO” partly because I’m worried how the recipient may feel. Rejection is a scary thing, not only to receive but to give as well.

trying to…

Let us first understand WHEN to say NO:

Obviously when you don’t want to say YES [sick!! I know]

Sometimes we say “Yes” despite wanting to say “NO” because we think we can protect the one we love by saying “Yes” we are protecting our loved one from feeling hurt or offended. It’s a good thing to say “Yes” to Mom’s cookies when you’re full and it’s perfectly all right to nibble on them until you can thank her for the spare tire around your belly area, in the years to come. This is more like “Honesty is NOT ALWAYS the best policy”.

BUT when the person who’s going to get hurt is YOU, that’s when it’s time to say “NO”.

Now HOW to say NO:

Once you learn when it’s time to say NO, you must know how to say it. I’ve always known when to say NO, it’s easy to identify when to say NO but it’s difficult to pin down on HOW to say it. Because let’s face it, you may earn a “selfish” label or a “self-centred” label once you start using NO. The best way is to make excuse. Let’s try it.

http://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-Respectfully

Pretty good advice, I am working on Points 2, 4, 5 and 7.

If you aren’t strong enough [read: if you are as weak as the blogger here], you can practice putting up a blank expression or a frown to say NO. Also, you can pretend not to hear and walk away before the speaker repeats himself/ herself. Just get up and get away from the environment that’s forcing you to say NO, it obviously isn’t a good environment to linger around.

WHAT to do after saying NO:

If your heart thumps like mine after I say NO, well.. personally I think it’s pathetic. But heart’s a heart’s a heart ~ one’s gotta be nice to one’s heart. So let it thump and come back to its normal beat. Once you say NO, don’t regret it. Your NO may not always be right but we all learn through trials and errors. I’ve lost few so-called pals over the years because they couldn’t see me beyond my NO. I wonder if it’s a big loss, though.

Also note that when you say no, it might attract some “labels”. Don’t worry about them. As long as you’re comfortable with your NO, there’s no need to worry about whatever names it may bring you. If people give you names for your NO, ask yourself “Is it worth having them around?” As simple as that.

…errr well… I guess that’s how you can find the “balance”…

saying YES to NO

1 Sep

Children learn the word “NO” before they learn its counter-word “Yes” obviously because No is easier to utter [technically]. I couldn’t have been an exception so I too must have started my language development with a “No”. Little would I have known how completely things were about to change.

I, especially, remember a girl [who I thought was a friend, then] who lived off me. It all began while we were walking to our school one day. I was carrying this new denim bag [which was really cool, then] and she had this proper school-bag school bag. She complimented me on my bag and I did the same. Then she suggested we change our school bags. After that, if I had anything that looked better than hers, we swapped. Many a times when she got compliments for my things, I almost always wished she would acknowledge that they were mine. Who was I fooling?

“Give me your pen…”

ME: …but it’s a gift from my dad…

“How can you say NO to your friend?”

ME: [oh no, I’ve offended her] Sorry, here. Take it. Keep it. I’ll tell my parents I’ve lost it.

Even as I typed the conversation above, a flood of emotions overwhelmed me. Why was I like that? What made me hate myself so much? How did I turn up so pathetic? Who is (was) responsible for the way I behaved then? Where did the child [who learned to say NO first] disappear? When did saying “no” become a vice?

My attempt at finding the answers:

  1. No is a negative word and thus should not be uttered unless it’s for a bad thing. For instance; say NO to drugs. Never do they say “Say NO to giving your pen to a friend.”
  2. I wanted to fit in so badly that I was scared if I said NO, people will stop liking me. Besides, I wanted the others to say nice things about me.
  3. I weighed my NO to the recipient of my NO. Isn’t having a friend always better than having a nice pair of shoes?
  4. I thought offending others was a bigger crime than hurting oneself. “I” didn’t matter.
  5. My parents always taught me to be selfless.

Not everything is permanent in life and so I grew up [lesser on the length and more on the width] wondering what it’ll be like to say NO someday. And one day, just like that, began my journey into know-no-land, maybe because I knew the grass would be greener on the other side.

 “Get me some water, please”.

ME: No… Please get it yourself.

“…why can’t you get it for me? I’ve asked you so nicely…”

ME: Because I am learning to say NO when I mean NO and you have to take my NO for an answer.

All voices: What a Bee Eye Tea see etch :O

ME sulking inside, long face outside. Heart thumping inside, sweating outside.

I really thought I’d faint there and then, but I didn’t. At the end of my first NO, I lost a [so-called] friend but not before she lectured me on how horribly awful it was to say NO to a thirsty friend. Maybe she wasn’t a friend after all and by losing her I gained a little confidence. I had, after all, uttered NO and I didn’t choke on my words, my eyes didn’t pop out of their socket, neither did I vomit blood and nor did I drop dead… I survived… a miracle!!!

I still hesitate to say a straight no-nonsense NO. As a result, sometime conversation as below ensues –>

“Do you have a cigarette?”

ME: Remember… I asked you if you had one last night.

“Yeah, I also REMEMBER I had offered you one.”

ME: That’s my point. If I had asked you for a cigarette LAST night, what makes you think I would miraculously have one THIS very MORNING?

“You could have just said NO”.

ME: oooops :$

Well, I have reached my know-no-land and not without still having difficulties navigating, at times. I can now say ‘NO’ [effortlessly sometimes] BUT I’ve earned myself a title “Selfish” – say whaaaaaaaa?

…to be continued [maybe]

the Longing

29 Aug

“…listen to me”

I can’t speak

“…but you promised”

I swallow the words.

I wish I had spoken then

Reminded you of the vow taken

But,

I held my breath

choked back my words,

strangled and suffocated.

I suffered,

the hurt and the pain.

I wanted out

But I stayed in,

Longing for the exit

I fizzled out, I perished.

[I actually wrote this for Rant Poetry Competition but……]

Five Fine Films

28 Aug

I love watching movies. PERIOD.  I also love watching the same movie over and over again. I watch movies of all genre and I don’t pick the movies ~ they pick me [pathetic attempt at being pathetic, I guess].

Hence, below are my most watched movies of all times in the order of *the times I’ve watched them*.

Number 5

Crashing in the fifth position, with 7.0 IMDb rating, is……. a sports movie – WE ARE MARSHALL. And like many sports movie, this too is based on a true incident. A good-looking hunk Mr. McConaughey [who I’d underestimated in the acting part] bowled me over with his transformation as a football coach. It’s such an inspiring movie that whenever I need the feel to boost my self-worth, I watch it and it is quite often, if I may add. No wonder it’s made it into my list. [Other sports movie I loved, liked and cried rivers over but didn’t make it here are ~ Rudy and Remember the Titans].

Why do I keep watching this movie? It’s because this movie has made me see winning isn’t everything, at times not giving up is a victory in itself.

Number 4

The movie that’s made into my number Four is the one that got Mr. Mark Wahlberg [one of the eight men I’d give up my single-hood for] his first Oscar nomination. Big names, twisted plot and still a great movie that I keep coming back to 😉 I watched this movie for Marky Mark and will keep watching for him again. He is the biggest *motive* behind this movie appearing here in this list.

It would’ve climbed  higher if not for Jack Nicholson. Sorry but I can’t stand the guy and despise him even more in this movie. aaargh Every silver lining has a dark ugly cloud, metaphorically speaking where silver lining is Mark and dark ugly cloud is jack nicholson.

Number 3

In the 3rd place is “Spirited Away”. It’s one of the most amusing animated movies I’ve enjoyed watching over and over and over again. The characters Haku and Chihiro are so animatedly real. I love the way the story unfolds and folds. I didn’t know it had won an Oscar Award in the year 2001 for Best Animated feature :0

I simply love the simple story line, the aesthetically appealing animation and the spirited-away feeling it brings about every time I watch it.

Number 2

The runner up for my Five Fine films is SNATCH  and trust me when I say I’ve lost count as to how many times I’ve watched this movie. I know the movie back to front and still enjoy every second of it.

This movie had me at “What do I know about diamonds…? Don’t they come from Antwerp?”

I love the exasperated/ frustrated conversation between Vinny and Sol, Turkish and Tommy… and Bricktop is scary as hell and I know I can go on and on and on about this one here. It’s hilariously witty or is it wittily hilarious. Just the thought of this movie is enough to crack me up 😀

Number ONE

AND now the finest film AND my top most watched Movies.

By mentioning this movie itself, I feel I’m doing less than justice to it. Forgive me Miramax but this movie’s been my therapy for a long long time to discard it NOW.

So my most watched movie of all time ISSSSSSSSSSS….. GOOD WILL HUNTING

Even as I was typing those 3 words, the music began to play in my mind. It’s only after I started blogging that I have stopped watching this movie. Otherwise I was used to watching this movie every night, EVERY NIGHT and I’m not exaggerating when I say that this was my weekend movie, weekday movie, feel-good movie, weak-day movie, strong day movie, breakfast movie, lunch movie, bed-time movie and every other genre I have for movies. For me, this movie is timeless.

Maybe the love for this movie comes from the fact that I can relate to Will Hunting in a lot of ways, except for his gift for mathematics.   The first time I watched this movie [a long long time back] I gaped and gasped when Sean says “Maybe you’re perfect right now, maybe you don’t wanna ruin that…” I knew then that he was talking to me. I have grown up from that stage to where I am today but had it not been for Will and Sean, maybe I’d have been a different ME.

Some lines are pretty corny but the emotional healing is just what I always count on while watching this movie.

Some movies that may make it to this list someday —>

6. The Devil Wears Prada

7. Up

8. My Best Friend’s Wedding

9. Crazy Stupid Love

10. Crash

to P who Pays (a monthly visit)

27 Aug

…if you’re a woman and you know it… [errr well] clap your hands [I guess].

 

Well, this post is about Miss P who Pays me a monthly visit and to all the *ladies* out there and maybe JB above [exceptions: Little ladies, Elderly ladies and Expecting ladies].  Miss P is what sets us apart from our male counterparts and thus makes us oh-so-very special.

Before Miss P paid me her first visit, I was used to listening to painful and sometimes scary stories from friends who were well acquainted, already. And so, one sunny Saturday she paid me an unexpected visit ~ seconds later I became a woman (??). I didn’t like her at all. According to my adolescent self, she crippled me; crippled me from running free… [I have changed my mind and become more positive about her, over the years].

Miss P has been nice to me. Maybe, because I had this reservation about her and it’s like she’s trying to prove me wrong. She comes regularly and without any baggage. She warns me before her arrival ~ a gentle knock [i.e. a light tug in the inside of my naval area] and she always comes on weekends. The only time she doesn’t come on weekends is when I am absolutely busy. She is then very considerate about visiting me when I’m likely to have a lot of rest or when there’s a public holiday around. I don’t know how she’s managed to be this good to me, but I feel lucky about all this.

One day a friend remarked, “You always get your period when we’re traveling.”

My answer, “That’s because I always get my period during holidays.”

On the first day of her visit, she’s very easy around me (as if she doesn’t want to burden). The second day, she works efficiently and from the third evening she starts making her absence felt. On the fourth she simply leaves traces as a reminder that she had been there. She leaves quietly on the 5th day until she knocks on the door with a gentle tug again –> next month.

Only recently, when a colleague began complaining about insufferable Miss P who, according to her, comes with cramps, backaches, irregularity and so on did I realise how lucky I’ve always been :knocks on wood: Once in the bluest moon, she does come my way with a little bit of bloating, lethargy and slight exhaustion – but nothing that can’t be cured with a little rest. And like I said earlier, she visits me when I have ample time to rest, I have no excuse [whatsoever] to complain.

It really does take others’ misfortune to count on one’s blessing! I love my Miss P because I know how troublesome she could have been… Period.

on be1ng s1ngle

25 Aug

Being Single

Before I forget the fact that this blog is about me being single, here’s a post on being single. I’ve been carried away as I have been writing for other categories [easier in comparison to this one]. The other categories may not always be about my single life.  If anyone stumbles into my blog, and going by the blog’s name, assumes this blog is about some wild rantings by and on a single-by-choice life, then I want them to find something meaty here. So this is one of many peeks into being single.

There was a time when I wanted to be single and here I am still wanting to be single.

Some things don’t change and am I happy about it.

Why am I happy?

–> Because being single lets me decide who I’d give up my single-hood for. You need not feel guilty even if you are eying someone who’s beyond you – as long as you’re single, you DO have a chance. I have my prospective eights [https://s1ngal.wordpress.com/2012/07/], to whom I’ve dedicated a post and struck a deal with [the deal’s been sealed, signed and approved from my end].

even with all the nudity… I DO guilt-less fancy you…

–> Because being single lets me lose weight easily. How? Well, I’m single and a bad cook, besides. But that’s not it. I’ve noticed one BIG difference between a single’s fridge and others’.  When you’re not single, there’s always food, always : I DARE YOU TO CORRECT ME, anyone??? So now imagine what happens to a pound-wise yet penniless s1ngal who comes back home to an empty fridge. She goes to sleep, empty stomach. Result – weight loss.

 

my mood or MY MOOD

–> Because my life depends on my MOOD. Anything can happen any-when. I make things happen. I want to blog, I blog – whether it’s dinner time, breakfast time,  3.11 am in the morning. Ican wake up in the middle of the night because I realise I’d forgotten to *like* the post that I’d actually liked.

 

 

 

–> Because the TV belongs to me. I can watch whatever I like and not just the recorded versions. I can turn it off at the 89th minute during a football match between Italy and Spain and go to sleep peacefully because I can always google the result, later.

the REMOTE’s mine, I WIN I WIN

–> Because I can talk to a life-sized Teddy who listens and agrees with me in respectful silence… and there isn’t anyone judging me for this. I carry it with me wherever I go, trust me Teddy doesn’t complain. It’s always there for a bear-hug and  turns into a pillow when mine falls off the bed.

more later… i.e. when i can think of some more “because…”

Trust me there are plenty more… because I’m single, I have decided to end

this post here, to be continued later (when I feel like it).

There – one more reason I’m happy being single.

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