Tag Archives: life

I’ve come a LONG way

31 Jul

Daily Prompt: Pat on the Back

by michelle w. on July 31, 2013

Tell someone you’re proud of just how proud you are.

I do have come a long way. Yes, indeed I have.

I was barely a teen when I learnt that it was okay to be embarrassed of your own parents –> you’ll find a little insight here. Ever since my dad forgave me for hesitating to be seen with him, the lesson sort of backfired.

It was then that I learnt that I could hide who I was and no one would be able to tell the difference. The confusion of who I actually was and who I was pretending to be paid its toll especially on my self-esteem. And then, people happened. And then, peer pressure happened.

I wanted to become a boy [my teen self assumed that if I were a boy, it would solve all the problems in my life]. I started sneaking into my brother’s shoes [3-4 size bigger than mine], stuffing them with socks to fit my tiny [size 3, even now] feet. I cropped my hair short, wore hoodies and spoke like someone not me.

From an A grade student I came down to C’s and D’s. My teachers were stunned to see me backing out from writing competitions and elocution.  I alienated myself from my schoolmates, family and basically everyone around me. On top of that, I was constantly at a battle with my anger issues. I was becoming a prisoner of my own vice. The days of experimenting with strange drugs were on the rise. I was doomed, well almost.

But times were a changing…. In high school, I met this amazing friend who accepted me with all these vices. I’m still and will always be grateful for her for what she did to me then. She saw the sensitive side of me beyond the anger. It was strange and I never admitted then, but her acceptance was the beginning of my real self’s comeback. I wrote for the school magazine and was the ghost-writer for two of my friends.

Then I hit the couch where my therapist told me that my anger was actually a shield to protect my hyper-sensitive self. It was too shocking not to be true. Although, I managed to laugh at him and never saw him again, it was still too shocking to be true. But true, it so was. That’s when I began looking myself in the mirror and I actually saw me. The meek me was pathetic but it was good to see ME after so long.

Slowly but surely, I let my guards down.

And today, when people make fun of me my sensitive self starts sulking… But I don’t change for their sake. Instead I let myself heal. I know that there’ll always be people who’ll find me funny. So be it!

And today, when people say I’m acting silly, I nod my head in agreement. I let them know this is who I am, in silliness and in sanity. I know that if I’m not acting silly maybe I’m not acting me and I’d rather always be me.

And today, when people accuse me of being too selfish and self-centred, I shrug my shoulders because I know I of all the people MUST love myself. 

And today, when people complain about how I’ve changed into an insensitive being, I smile. Only I and my new-found self know that the ride has been and is still going to be worth it.

And today, I can take everything coming from people. Even acceptance.

And today, I feel free.

And today, I know myself better.

And today, I am comfortable with myself.

And today, I accept me with the flaws and the scars.

And today, I do pat myself on the back.

And today, I tell YOU I’m proud of just how proud I am.

[p.s. This is the best coincidence actually. I was thinking of writing this post when I saw today’s daily prompt… some days you are just meant to write what you were meant to write… after all]

noThink

30 Jul

Ok, if you thought the title is misspelled, it’s actually not.  You’ll know sooner than later. Right here as part of the Daily Prompt and here’s what it’s prompted–>

Daily Prompt: Drawing a Blank

by michelle w. on July 30, 2013

When was the last time your walked away from a discussion, only to think of The Perfect Comeback hours later? Recreate the scene for us, and use your winning line.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us HEATED.

Indeed, there have been many many I mean many times where I’ve walked away from a discussion, only to think of the Perfect Comeback hooooouuuuurs [you know what I mean] later.

Now, this is the thing. During an argument [read discussion] my mouth opens and my tongue starts clicking and my lips open and close forming different shapes, the actions of them all make me look and sound like I’m arguing but maybe I’m not. The sounds come out and although I know it’s my voice, I do not understand a word. Why? Well, because there’s that no-think blank that I’ve drawn all around/ within the argument.

And then again, I’ve got an opportunity to rant about drawing a blank during the last discussion, thanks to the Daily Prompt. Wow!!! Perfect, right?!? WRONG!!!! I’ve drawn a blank [yet again]. I know I’ve had arguments [a whole lot of them] the last time around when I was forced to walk away flustered and fuming. Those were the nights when I had to console myself with “action speaks louder than WORDS. So what if that argumentor [if there be a word] cornered you with nothing to say, you DID walk out. You let that smartypants know [through your action] that you disagreed by walking out. Good on you and now pat yourself on the back.”

Those were also the nights I had answers for everything. I knew how to throw them off guard with my “perfect comeback” and I could see their faces flushed [down the toilet is all I would care]. I’d sleep happier with a hope that there would be a next time with the same discussion and I’d get back at them – with a vengeance. But, the chances of having the same discussion can be compared to lightning being struck the same place twice.

I’m not embarrassed to admit that I’m having the same problem now. I know that once this baton of opportunity has been passed to another prompt [tomorrow], I shalt be overwhelmed with how I could have shown you HEATED. I know I’ll have heaps of “perfect comeback blogs” with the perfect recreation of the scene and a whole lot of winning lines…. But, alas! That’s not going to happen now.

Let’s see if this can serve as the winning line for now:

I don’t have a forethought nor an afterthought and ridiculously I don’t even have any thoughts in between. 

Happy Anniversary

29 Jul

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com says wordpress.com.

Happy ANNIVERSARY

Happy ANNIVERSARY

Only happy is missing – at this at this particular moment. So I was out, to a place where unplugged isn’t a version of an artist’s performance – it just means unplugged in terms of internet. Maybe if I had tried a tad bit harder, I’d have got it but who wants to work hard let alone tad bit harder… hence the absence!!! I hope I’ve explained myself real well :couldn’t be prouder smirk:

BAH!!!

Now, to my most annoying home coming ever.

I came home [since home is where the heart is and my heart at present is on the money, literally… hence here home basically means my workplace] to my homies [since I’m a residential employee along with some more – read homies / colleagues]. At this point, I’d like to enlighten you a bit about where I work. I work at a “Nights in Rodanthe” kinda place only it’s not in Rodanthe and it’s not an inn and we don’t look forward to good-looking middle aged guy coming this way to fall head over hills for. If this doesn’t explain then well errrrr GO FIGURE!!! :fumes:

Now that that’s explained… well all was well, we were catching up until I got real caught up. My roomie has been taking full advantage of my being away :shocked: I do not want to go into the details but she’d been helping herself with my small nest egg :appalled: [FYI –> I may be being cheap but what the heckkk!??! My total nest egg kinda amounts to $70 to be precise :ahem:]

It may not be all about money – it’s about trust and all the big words involved. Should I be glad to announce that she’s being fired or should I keep that my  dirty little secret?? Well, let’s just say “time will tell” and get it over with, for now.

Besides, my bad home coming would only be waiting to get worse… Here’s why. The roaches have somehow planted themselves quite into a farm and are now cropping up from everywhere in my room… it’s  a roach farm… yelp for help!!!

Anyway, now that my worst home coming ever has been explained, AMEN to happy ANNIVERSARY.

Ergo, let me recount my one year of blogging…

Done recounting – it’s 197 posts in 365 days. Hmmmm not bad, well verrrrrrrrrry bad indeed.

Hang on! Are recounting and counting the same thing?!?O.o

Wha’ever!!!! Next year hopefully I’d be able to recount and not just count :sighs:

Weekly photo challenge: Changing seasons’ sunsets

10 Dec

Living a fast paced life until last year, I swear I never had time to notice the changing seasons. When seasons changed, my wardrobe changed and that was changing seasons for me – no exaggeration!

However, ever since I’ve swapped my “fast-paced-life” to this “laid-back socially-isolated-life” — I have discovered that the sun doesn’t always set in the same spot. Yeah, laugh at me… but it’s like discovering a miracle.

Hence, a second round for this week’s photo challenge – Changing sunsets/ Changing seasons

Then:

 

Now,

Can you tell the difference?

saying YES to NO ~ a sequel

2 Sep

“I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.”
– Billy Joel

I am not a negative person but many a times saying NO can be theee most positive thing. I have learned it from past experiences ~ a lesson learned the hard way. If you have had difficulties saying NO, you’re not alone. BUT for people used to saying “NO” easily, this post may not “go down” that easily.

As far as I am concerned, I still have difficulties saying “NO” partly because I’m worried how the recipient may feel. Rejection is a scary thing, not only to receive but to give as well.

trying to…

Let us first understand WHEN to say NO:

Obviously when you don’t want to say YES [sick!! I know]

Sometimes we say “Yes” despite wanting to say “NO” because we think we can protect the one we love by saying “Yes” we are protecting our loved one from feeling hurt or offended. It’s a good thing to say “Yes” to Mom’s cookies when you’re full and it’s perfectly all right to nibble on them until you can thank her for the spare tire around your belly area, in the years to come. This is more like “Honesty is NOT ALWAYS the best policy”.

BUT when the person who’s going to get hurt is YOU, that’s when it’s time to say “NO”.

Now HOW to say NO:

Once you learn when it’s time to say NO, you must know how to say it. I’ve always known when to say NO, it’s easy to identify when to say NO but it’s difficult to pin down on HOW to say it. Because let’s face it, you may earn a “selfish” label or a “self-centred” label once you start using NO. The best way is to make excuse. Let’s try it.

http://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-Respectfully

Pretty good advice, I am working on Points 2, 4, 5 and 7.

If you aren’t strong enough [read: if you are as weak as the blogger here], you can practice putting up a blank expression or a frown to say NO. Also, you can pretend not to hear and walk away before the speaker repeats himself/ herself. Just get up and get away from the environment that’s forcing you to say NO, it obviously isn’t a good environment to linger around.

WHAT to do after saying NO:

If your heart thumps like mine after I say NO, well.. personally I think it’s pathetic. But heart’s a heart’s a heart ~ one’s gotta be nice to one’s heart. So let it thump and come back to its normal beat. Once you say NO, don’t regret it. Your NO may not always be right but we all learn through trials and errors. I’ve lost few so-called pals over the years because they couldn’t see me beyond my NO. I wonder if it’s a big loss, though.

Also note that when you say no, it might attract some “labels”. Don’t worry about them. As long as you’re comfortable with your NO, there’s no need to worry about whatever names it may bring you. If people give you names for your NO, ask yourself “Is it worth having them around?” As simple as that.

…errr well… I guess that’s how you can find the “balance”…

saying YES to NO

1 Sep

Children learn the word “NO” before they learn its counter-word “Yes” obviously because No is easier to utter [technically]. I couldn’t have been an exception so I too must have started my language development with a “No”. Little would I have known how completely things were about to change.

I, especially, remember a girl [who I thought was a friend, then] who lived off me. It all began while we were walking to our school one day. I was carrying this new denim bag [which was really cool, then] and she had this proper school-bag school bag. She complimented me on my bag and I did the same. Then she suggested we change our school bags. After that, if I had anything that looked better than hers, we swapped. Many a times when she got compliments for my things, I almost always wished she would acknowledge that they were mine. Who was I fooling?

“Give me your pen…”

ME: …but it’s a gift from my dad…

“How can you say NO to your friend?”

ME: [oh no, I’ve offended her] Sorry, here. Take it. Keep it. I’ll tell my parents I’ve lost it.

Even as I typed the conversation above, a flood of emotions overwhelmed me. Why was I like that? What made me hate myself so much? How did I turn up so pathetic? Who is (was) responsible for the way I behaved then? Where did the child [who learned to say NO first] disappear? When did saying “no” become a vice?

My attempt at finding the answers:

  1. No is a negative word and thus should not be uttered unless it’s for a bad thing. For instance; say NO to drugs. Never do they say “Say NO to giving your pen to a friend.”
  2. I wanted to fit in so badly that I was scared if I said NO, people will stop liking me. Besides, I wanted the others to say nice things about me.
  3. I weighed my NO to the recipient of my NO. Isn’t having a friend always better than having a nice pair of shoes?
  4. I thought offending others was a bigger crime than hurting oneself. “I” didn’t matter.
  5. My parents always taught me to be selfless.

Not everything is permanent in life and so I grew up [lesser on the length and more on the width] wondering what it’ll be like to say NO someday. And one day, just like that, began my journey into know-no-land, maybe because I knew the grass would be greener on the other side.

 “Get me some water, please”.

ME: No… Please get it yourself.

“…why can’t you get it for me? I’ve asked you so nicely…”

ME: Because I am learning to say NO when I mean NO and you have to take my NO for an answer.

All voices: What a Bee Eye Tea see etch :O

ME sulking inside, long face outside. Heart thumping inside, sweating outside.

I really thought I’d faint there and then, but I didn’t. At the end of my first NO, I lost a [so-called] friend but not before she lectured me on how horribly awful it was to say NO to a thirsty friend. Maybe she wasn’t a friend after all and by losing her I gained a little confidence. I had, after all, uttered NO and I didn’t choke on my words, my eyes didn’t pop out of their socket, neither did I vomit blood and nor did I drop dead… I survived… a miracle!!!

I still hesitate to say a straight no-nonsense NO. As a result, sometime conversation as below ensues –>

“Do you have a cigarette?”

ME: Remember… I asked you if you had one last night.

“Yeah, I also REMEMBER I had offered you one.”

ME: That’s my point. If I had asked you for a cigarette LAST night, what makes you think I would miraculously have one THIS very MORNING?

“You could have just said NO”.

ME: oooops :$

Well, I have reached my know-no-land and not without still having difficulties navigating, at times. I can now say ‘NO’ [effortlessly sometimes] BUT I’ve earned myself a title “Selfish” – say whaaaaaaaa?

…to be continued [maybe]

the Longing

29 Aug

“…listen to me”

I can’t speak

“…but you promised”

I swallow the words.

I wish I had spoken then

Reminded you of the vow taken

But,

I held my breath

choked back my words,

strangled and suffocated.

I suffered,

the hurt and the pain.

I wanted out

But I stayed in,

Longing for the exit

I fizzled out, I perished.

[I actually wrote this for Rant Poetry Competition but……]

A.M.Bradley

The Forgotten Writer

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