Archive | November, 2012

Everything will be all wrong

30 Nov

When people say, “Don’t worry… everything will be alright…” I neither can believe them nor believe in them. Why don’t they rather say, “Don’t worry, everything will be all wrong…”? It’s the truth… nothing will be all right, everything will be all wrong.

alrong

Now, I’ll try to explain my theory of “Don’t worry… Everything will be all wrong.”

Let’s start with the “Don’t worry”. When you see someone in pain/ trouble/ going through tough times in eir lives, you have to tell them not to worry. You must also use this phrase on people who keep worrying their brains out. I’m talking about people who would worry if they won’t have anything to worry about, trust me there are these kinds. So, basically “Don’t worry” means you know don’t worry or in a layman’s term – Stop worrying! [Genius, right?]

Now, let’s go on to the second phrase – “Everything will be all right”. The words “will be” = future which is absolutely uncertain. Even Alice Cullen with her vampirical power to see in the future has professed [does this word go here? I’m trying to write something very smart but if you think this isn’t the right word – please be smarter and replace it with whatever word “actually” fits there and continue reading, will you?] that future is uncertain. You’ve gotta believe her, even the Volturis believe her and are “actually” after her [for her power to see into the future].

So, where was I? Oh yes, future is uncertain. Therefore, when you tell people “everything will be alright” – you’re actually not making any sense. In which case, you should stop saying it.

On the other hand, if you say “Don’t worry… Everything will be all wrong – the whole thing sounds different with the change in that last word. When someone says, “Don’t worry, everything will be all right” means what’s happening around you now isn’t right and that in the near future [which no one’s seen] things will be [future tense] all right.

Everything is going to be ALL WRONG!!)

Everything is going to be ALL WRONG!!)

 

However, if someone says, “Don’t worry, everything will be all wrong”, it is an assurance that you’re in a good place already. Once people find out where they are [at that point of time], is a good place [already] – well the worrying actually stops. Think about it. Wouldn’t you stop worrying if you knew that you were in a good place, already?

Besides, when you say “Everything will be all wrong”, it’s a way of saying “I doubt if everything will go wrong”. As I have mentioned somewhere above “will be” is future – uncertainty. Now, imagine saying “Everything will be all right” and what it could imply.

Moreover, when you say “Everything will be all wrong” – it’s also another way of “hoping for the best, preparing for the worst”.

Well, if you aren’t convinced yet… Don’t worry… Everything will be alright.

Wishful writing

29 Nov

Lovely prompt today [read more about it here].

Dear B,

I know you must be mad at me, mad at me for running away from you the way I did, the way I still am.

Thank you for all your emails, thank you for remembering my birthday even though it’s not listed on my facebook account [don’t even know if it’s still there, I mean the account]. Thank you for updating me on what’s going on in your life, every now and then, and missing me – but guess what, I miss you, too. Thank you for fighting with my friend [I’ve heard you no longer speak to each other] only because you cared for me a lot, I know.  Thank you for letting me run away when I wanted to and keeping it a secret till date.

I remember those days – the days we used to do crazy things together. I remember our fights and then the making-up. I remember when you cropped your hair short only because I told you so [you should’ve seen the shock on your mom’s face ;)]. Trust me, I remember everything and a little more. I remember how you finished your A-Levels for me, and me ONLY [I remember how everyday you’d remind me of it]. I remember our plans to run away, travel and go globetrotting.

I am sorry I don’t write back. I’m sorry I can’t be there when you need me the most and I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you – for the questionings [later boycott] that came your way just because I was on the run. I’m sorry you are taking the blame for letting me run and I am sorry I am now running away from you as well.

Some day, we’ll sit together and maybe do all those crazy things again… Even if it’s somewhere in a retirement village… Even if our hair’s turned all grey… Even if we need canes [or better wheelchairs] to be mobile… Even if…. well no matter what we’ll do it all!

Until then… God bless you, God bless me!

Love,

Cousin Di

 

Day 4 no Mo

29 Nov

Day 4, No More [smoking] 😀

OK, I’d like to make it official – I’m through with cigarettes.

This morning, the only new thing I tried was a bowl of organic yogurt and it was really good. It was great, the taste – totally unflavoured/ unsweetened and yet it tasted great just the way it was. I’m going to continue with the yogurt along with my olive oil and my green tea routine. Yay!

Tomorrow morning, however, I’m going to get up early to watch the sunrise, with a friend. However, this kinda plan always sounds easy and doable but at the nick of time i.e. when one has to actually get up early. We’ll see. If I do make it, I might write about it and then I might even have a picture for the post.

p.s.

 

Last night I watched “End of Watch” and  I was only disappointed to see Bryan living… seriously?!? Is it because Bryan’s played by the awesome Gyllenhaal? Apart from him living, the movie’s awesome.

Day free smoke three

28 Nov

Sorry I just messed up the title… I meant to title zis post DAY 3 – SMOKE FREE!!! I want to celibate errr I mean I want to celebrate… [The aftereffects of quitting smoking, I guess :D]

The best thing or rather the worst one is that I am having a helluva spare time to kill in the morning. That’s how it really feels without smoking. It’s so scary when you have so much time in your hands – free/ idle and ergo devilish. The feeling – this overwhelming feeling of having this abysmal space of time, it is quite overwhelming especially in the morning. I don’t feel like this during the day or in the evening – it’s only in the morning.

Strangely though, there’s no craving as such :phew: I’d say. I don’t feel the urge to smoke. I still have my emergency packs but they don’t even cross my mind except now and ONLY because I’m writing about it. I’m not resisting the temptation to smoke because well, there’s no temptation. That’s one reason why it’s been easy being smoke free on day 3.

Now back to the abysmal space of time that I try to kill every morning, I do so by trying to be as creative and as motivated as possible. I try to write in the morning and I’m even trying new things every morning. Hence, this morning I tried this:

Just sip 10 drops of olive oil before you sip hot tea in the morning and see the impact in 3 days… it cleanses body mind and life

 

I’m just one day into this experiment – in 2 days’ time, I’ll be able to see the impact and maybe post it here if it’s worth it.

day TWO

27 Nov

Day 2 – still going on, stronger still, without cigarettes.

I always tell myself that I’ll stand up to that silly colleague , that I’ll hold my ground and say things to her face – things I rehearse while in bed. As the dark fades into the light so do my words vanish in the morning air. And then when I do face my colleague later, I only smile 🙂 Also, every night in bed, working out sounds very doable but in the morning – well there never is a morning [by the time I finally manage to wake up, morning’s long gone].

I don’t know why it’s always so easy to go to bed with a herculean resolve [about everything going on in life] and wake up a witness to the withering and crumbling of the same resolve made just the night before.

Well, here’s how I’ve been doing so far with my resolve I had made here.

I’m not going to take my life for granted, no matter what. CHECK or…. maybe, I dunno :-/

I am going to look after myself, I am going to quit smoking starting NOW. DOing it.

I am going to eat healthy stuff. GETTING THERE… slow and steady

I am going to have lots of fruits and veggies. What’s fruits and veggies? 

I am going to work out. HAH!

I am going to see my optician. I’D RATHER WAIT TILL I GO BLIND BEFORE I SEE………

I am going to see my dentist. I’M DEFINITELY SAVING MONEY FOR THIS ONE, in 10 years I might be ready.

I am going to my GP. ON A SECOND THOUGHT, maybe in the next decade…

I am going to use anti-aging lotions. JUST TOO MANY to choose from… aaaargh

I am going to drink my green-tea regularly. proud DO’ER

I am going to get a hair-cut. DEFINITELY STILL making up my mind on this.

I am going to make sure no one hides their face behind a book 10 years later. ANOTHER ONE that can wait a decade ;)

The aftermath [of quitting smoking, maybe] – I have become absolutely forgetful. I came here to write something and completely forgot what it was that I had so desperately wanted to write. A friend asked me what my school’s English teacher’s name was and I cannot remember it – at all. 

Day 1

26 Nov

This morning, I woke up and decided reluctantly to give up – to quit. Hang on, it’s a nice quit. I decided to quit smoking – one more time, oh yeah!!! Hence, so far I have:

 

1. Washed my face with some kind of organic soap made of papaya and glycerine.

2. Drunk green tea. 

3. Made myself an omelette sandwich and managed not to burn the house down 😉

4. Done half the laundry… Yay!! [I was actually saving this laundry until summer next year]

5. Saved the world!

There… all in a morning’s work. Phew!!! And so begins my promise to take better care of myself… It’s just begun and my heart’s racing already… But I’m not going to rush – I’m going to take baby steps for now and as long as I don’t give up “baby steps” is just fine.

Nothing for nothing

25 Nov

For most people, I come across as this loud, brash and obnoxious girl. I remember my high-school days where I was friends with a very popular [affable/ liked by ALL] girl. Then we became the best buddies. She was liked by all – teachers/ peers/ seniors/ juniors but I wasn’t. We were VERY alike – even in terms of looks. We almost looked similar, we had similar fashion sense, we both liked to write, we were both pranksters, we were everything each one of us was. Yet, it was strange the way she could attract everyone and I repel. 

Case 1

If she was talking to a group of people [which was almost always] and I were to walk into it, each one in the group would make excuse or leave without making one leaving just the two of us. I thought they were intimidated by me and at times I even flattered myself to think that they were jealous of me being friends with the most popular girl.

And then, on one of such occasions I joined in the group again and everybody left again but one. Then there were three of us chatting away, oblivion to the third girl’s shock [which was unveiled during the “goodbye”].

Before we parted, the third girl told me “Hey, I didn’t know you’re this cool!”

“Why, what did you think I was like?” I asked back.

“I always hear you talk in a loud voice, laugh like a hyena… I always thought how  anyone can talk to a person like you… I never thought you were cool, I’m sorry.”

Let’s call her candid because she was – candid and honest. Yes, I am loud. It’s my vocal cord – gift from the Almighty. No one in my family has a vocal cord like mine, I thought I was blessed. I have what can be rightly called “a very commanding voice”. Anyone who speaks to me over the phone can never imagine that ey are talking to a cute barely-five-feet human being. O yes, I am cute when I’m not hot 😉

Case 2

Even at work , some years later I went through a similar nightmare. It was nowhere like high-school, though. There were big bullies, “experienced” in another word. I was still loud and hence deemed obnoxious. Here, I was deemed so obnoxious that everyone seemed to wait for the next mistake I’d commit and fortunately for them it happened very often. One fine day, I quit.

I got promoted within the first two years I was there and it was then they began to “love” me. The colleagues with ever-ready magnifying glasses for my mistakes hid their device and instead plastered a “we’re your friends” smile. I had worked hard, fought my battles and so was being given the honour of avenging them by becoming their boss. That’s when I quit. See how I’m more than my loud voice!

Case 3

After that fine day, I ended up working at a childcare centre and completely fell in love with the job. I was so eager to be liked, I did almost everything I was told to. Mind you, my voice was still loud and once again I was deemed obnoxious, needless to say. However, they accepted me for  my hard-word and passion.

Then one day, the centre’s cook called in sick and I was the only staff there along with the director, for the opening shift. The director asked me if I could help in the kitchen. [Besides being kitchen-phobic, I don’t know how to cook or boil or broil or you name it and I wouldn’t have a clue]. She assured me she’d help me and that I just had to be there to see if what was being cooked to boil, boils. I agreed.

Everything was going pretty well with the director keeping her words until lunch time. I [and the director, of course] forgot to make a separate gluten-free lunch for one child. She apologised to the teachers/ carers and took the blame upon herself but later they started making fun of me. They made jokes about the episode, me being the butt of it. For a while, I took it all with my head held high. There were more jokes and just when I couldn’t take anymore, I broke down. I cried [I hardly cry in public but that day I just cried]. I felt awful, guilty and good-for-nothing and so I cried. No one in the centre knew what a “softie” I was, until that incident.

I don’t know why I am perceived this way – obnoxious, loud and brash. Is it because I have a loud [intimidating] voice? Is it because I DO laugh like a hyena when I laugh my heart out? Is it because I have broad shoulders for a petite girl? Is it because I’m smart, clever and witty? Is it because I am quite knowledgeable in things I talk about? Is it because of the way I walk? Is it because I’m always so helplessly melodramatic? Is it because I know how to hold my head high even when I lose? Is it because I want everyone around me to feel better? Is it because I’m too pleasing that it begins to look like I’m faking it?

I really have doubts if my friends and family ever genuinely feel sorry for me. They might pity me when I end up “down in the dumps” but I doubt if they might ever feel sorry for me. I don’t blame them… it’s just that I’m stuck with this repelling personality and there’s nothing anyone – myself included – could do about it.

Nevertheless, I love myself for who I am because I am more, way lot more, than just my loud voice.

So here’s a plea – Next time you judge a loud girl for a brash and obnoxious kind, please look beyond her voice. She may have been completely misunderstood, she may even be a softie inside, she may be more than just a loud voice, she might be ME.

p.s. I’m not a Taylor Swift fan but this song’s struck some chord!!!

A.M.Bradley

The Forgotten Writer

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