Archive | July, 2013

I’ve come a LONG way

31 Jul

Daily Prompt: Pat on the Back

by michelle w. on July 31, 2013

Tell someone you’re proud of just how proud you are.

I do have come a long way. Yes, indeed I have.

I was barely a teen when I learnt that it was okay to be embarrassed of your own parents –> you’ll find a little insight here. Ever since my dad forgave me for hesitating to be seen with him, the lesson sort of backfired.

It was then that I learnt that I could hide who I was and no one would be able to tell the difference. The confusion of who I actually was and who I was pretending to be paid its toll especially on my self-esteem. And then, people happened. And then, peer pressure happened.

I wanted to become a boy [my teen self assumed that if I were a boy, it would solve all the problems in my life]. I started sneaking into my brother’s shoes [3-4 size bigger than mine], stuffing them with socks to fit my tiny [size 3, even now] feet. I cropped my hair short, wore hoodies and spoke like someone not me.

From an A grade student I came down to C’s and D’s. My teachers were stunned to see me backing out from writing competitions and elocution.  I alienated myself from my schoolmates, family and basically everyone around me. On top of that, I was constantly at a battle with my anger issues. I was becoming a prisoner of my own vice. The days of experimenting with strange drugs were on the rise. I was doomed, well almost.

But times were a changing…. In high school, I met this amazing friend who accepted me with all these vices. I’m still and will always be grateful for her for what she did to me then. She saw the sensitive side of me beyond the anger. It was strange and I never admitted then, but her acceptance was the beginning of my real self’s comeback. I wrote for the school magazine and was the ghost-writer for two of my friends.

Then I hit the couch where my therapist told me that my anger was actually a shield to protect my hyper-sensitive self. It was too shocking not to be true. Although, I managed to laugh at him and never saw him again, it was still too shocking to be true. But true, it so was. That’s when I began looking myself in the mirror and I actually saw me. The meek me was pathetic but it was good to see ME after so long.

Slowly but surely, I let my guards down.

And today, when people make fun of me my sensitive self starts sulking… But I don’t change for their sake. Instead I let myself heal. I know that there’ll always be people who’ll find me funny. So be it!

And today, when people say I’m acting silly, I nod my head in agreement. I let them know this is who I am, in silliness and in sanity. I know that if I’m not acting silly maybe I’m not acting me and I’d rather always be me.

And today, when people accuse me of being too selfish and self-centred, I shrug my shoulders because I know I of all the people MUST love myself. 

And today, when people complain about how I’ve changed into an insensitive being, I smile. Only I and my new-found self know that the ride has been and is still going to be worth it.

And today, I can take everything coming from people. Even acceptance.

And today, I feel free.

And today, I know myself better.

And today, I am comfortable with myself.

And today, I accept me with the flaws and the scars.

And today, I do pat myself on the back.

And today, I tell YOU I’m proud of just how proud I am.

[p.s. This is the best coincidence actually. I was thinking of writing this post when I saw today’s daily prompt… some days you are just meant to write what you were meant to write… after all]

noThink

30 Jul

Ok, if you thought the title is misspelled, it’s actually not.  You’ll know sooner than later. Right here as part of the Daily Prompt and here’s what it’s prompted–>

Daily Prompt: Drawing a Blank

by michelle w. on July 30, 2013

When was the last time your walked away from a discussion, only to think of The Perfect Comeback hours later? Recreate the scene for us, and use your winning line.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us HEATED.

Indeed, there have been many many I mean many times where I’ve walked away from a discussion, only to think of the Perfect Comeback hooooouuuuurs [you know what I mean] later.

Now, this is the thing. During an argument [read discussion] my mouth opens and my tongue starts clicking and my lips open and close forming different shapes, the actions of them all make me look and sound like I’m arguing but maybe I’m not. The sounds come out and although I know it’s my voice, I do not understand a word. Why? Well, because there’s that no-think blank that I’ve drawn all around/ within the argument.

And then again, I’ve got an opportunity to rant about drawing a blank during the last discussion, thanks to the Daily Prompt. Wow!!! Perfect, right?!? WRONG!!!! I’ve drawn a blank [yet again]. I know I’ve had arguments [a whole lot of them] the last time around when I was forced to walk away flustered and fuming. Those were the nights when I had to console myself with “action speaks louder than WORDS. So what if that argumentor [if there be a word] cornered you with nothing to say, you DID walk out. You let that smartypants know [through your action] that you disagreed by walking out. Good on you and now pat yourself on the back.”

Those were also the nights I had answers for everything. I knew how to throw them off guard with my “perfect comeback” and I could see their faces flushed [down the toilet is all I would care]. I’d sleep happier with a hope that there would be a next time with the same discussion and I’d get back at them – with a vengeance. But, the chances of having the same discussion can be compared to lightning being struck the same place twice.

I’m not embarrassed to admit that I’m having the same problem now. I know that once this baton of opportunity has been passed to another prompt [tomorrow], I shalt be overwhelmed with how I could have shown you HEATED. I know I’ll have heaps of “perfect comeback blogs” with the perfect recreation of the scene and a whole lot of winning lines…. But, alas! That’s not going to happen now.

Let’s see if this can serve as the winning line for now:

I don’t have a forethought nor an afterthought and ridiculously I don’t even have any thoughts in between. 

Happy Anniversary

29 Jul

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com says wordpress.com.

Happy ANNIVERSARY

Happy ANNIVERSARY

Only happy is missing – at this at this particular moment. So I was out, to a place where unplugged isn’t a version of an artist’s performance – it just means unplugged in terms of internet. Maybe if I had tried a tad bit harder, I’d have got it but who wants to work hard let alone tad bit harder… hence the absence!!! I hope I’ve explained myself real well :couldn’t be prouder smirk:

BAH!!!

Now, to my most annoying home coming ever.

I came home [since home is where the heart is and my heart at present is on the money, literally… hence here home basically means my workplace] to my homies [since I’m a residential employee along with some more – read homies / colleagues]. At this point, I’d like to enlighten you a bit about where I work. I work at a “Nights in Rodanthe” kinda place only it’s not in Rodanthe and it’s not an inn and we don’t look forward to good-looking middle aged guy coming this way to fall head over hills for. If this doesn’t explain then well errrrr GO FIGURE!!! :fumes:

Now that that’s explained… well all was well, we were catching up until I got real caught up. My roomie has been taking full advantage of my being away :shocked: I do not want to go into the details but she’d been helping herself with my small nest egg :appalled: [FYI –> I may be being cheap but what the heckkk!??! My total nest egg kinda amounts to $70 to be precise :ahem:]

It may not be all about money – it’s about trust and all the big words involved. Should I be glad to announce that she’s being fired or should I keep that my  dirty little secret?? Well, let’s just say “time will tell” and get it over with, for now.

Besides, my bad home coming would only be waiting to get worse… Here’s why. The roaches have somehow planted themselves quite into a farm and are now cropping up from everywhere in my room… it’s  a roach farm… yelp for help!!!

Anyway, now that my worst home coming ever has been explained, AMEN to happy ANNIVERSARY.

Ergo, let me recount my one year of blogging…

Done recounting – it’s 197 posts in 365 days. Hmmmm not bad, well verrrrrrrrrry bad indeed.

Hang on! Are recounting and counting the same thing?!?O.o

Wha’ever!!!! Next year hopefully I’d be able to recount and not just count :sighs:

A.M.Bradley

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