Tag Archives: Self-esteem

The Real Post

2 Nov

FYI I have already posted a post on Bludgeon.

And then I went on to read other posts by other bloggers, just to realise how lame mine was.  And why wouldn’t it be?

Well… when I first saw the prompt, all I could think of was some sort of raw physical violence.  All I could think of was some bloody scenes from Game of Thrones.  All I could think of was someone battering the s*** out of someone.  All I could think of was black eyes and bruises.  All I could think of was how best to avoid everything that I was thinking of.

And lo and behold, I responded to the prompt with a haiku.

Once I hit the “Publish” button, I went on to check other blogs [which I am aware I have mentioned earlier].  I must say I read many, *like*d all the posts I read, commented on a few and then returned to my own blog to attempt writing again.  I just felt like writing my actual thought process, which is what I am doing now.

I am a lazy kinda person so getting one post out normally does it for me, but somehow it didn’t today.

Anyway, besides all my thoughts on physical violence on seeing Bludgeon, it also got me thinking about the physical pain that would ensue such bludgeoning.  The thought of pain got me thinking about how verbal blows can also inflict pain.  The thought of verbal blows got me thinking about the many verbal abuses hurled at me over the years.  The thought of the verbal abuses got me thinking about how badly I sought for approvals for everything that I did and didn’t do.  The thought of seeking approvals got me thinking about how I gave up on myself.

I gave up on my self.  I wanted to be some other self. 

“You and your butter fingers!”  I spilled everything I held.

“You are clumsy.”  I broke everything I touched.

“You are too sensitive.”  I hid my tears.

“You are always so aggressive.”  I stopped caring.

“You are so vain, so shallow.”  I became antisocial.

I do not have any right to slight physical violence just because I was never at the receiving end.  I cannot say being “bludgeoned by a hammer” wouldn’t hurt as much, because honestly I am in no position to compare.  All I know is that I have been “bludgeoned” verbally and all I can vouch for is that these were really very painful indeed. I do not know what happens when I am being beaten black and blue, but when I was abused verbally I know I became the very abuses.  I know the battle back to my own self was long and hard and painful at every step.

Your every meek step forward is a result of the Herculean effort you muster while fixing your sight over your shoulders.  After being stripped of the last vestige of self-esteem, gaining it back intact is simply not possible.  You are doomed to live with your tattered self-esteem that may never heal completely.  You live with the broken pieces of yourself reassembled to look like someone you may never completely recognise.

SOMEDAY though you may realise you are not the abuses you were hurled at and even then…

via Daily Prompt: Bludgeon


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