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Yesterday… once more

21 Jan

Oh well, yesterday I saw this amazingly good looking guy… well, I have something for guys with facial hair, I swear. The moment I saw him, I was… errr well…  my whole world stopped… just like in movies/ books, I guess… I just couldn’t stop grinning [ear to ear]. Beard at first sight and I was in love at second. The more I looked at him the better he seemed to look… there was a small spot on his left cheek right above his beard… and he had such lovely pout… and I just couldn’t get my eyes off him…….. U…N…T…I…L

beard

this is how HE looked – image source

[The grinning stopped, so abruptly]… when next to HIM I saw a shadow… and realised it wasn’t a shadow. Then I saw his hands locked in hers. I connected the hand to HER face… It was HER turn to grin, a smug “I have HIM” grin… I grinned back, no longer that smitten grin, though… mine now was a smugger “WUH-EVA I’m better looking than you” grin. We all parted ways happier than when we bumped into each other [or so I’d like to believe].

Starting Over

15 Jan

The past few weeks – “the season of merriment”, “the holiday season” – have been horrible on me. I wish I could point out why… but I just can’t. I chickened out and hid behind the dark shadows of gloom when everyone out there was celebrating. Why was I scared to celebrate?

For me to start over, I need to know why or how I ended in the dumps first.

It all began with one question. “So… what exactly are you doing – here? now?” I just smiled. It was funny and light. The person asking me was genuinely concerned. The second time around, it had almost the same effect. But then… then it started pouring my way. It felt as if the whole world wanted to know what exactly is it that I am doing here. My life went spiraling down when I heard my own voice asking me the same question and yet I didn’t know why I was here.

I was here for a reason. I knew it for sure. Maybe up until when I ignored the question [for the first time], I knew why I was here. Then I forgot the answer because I was only reminded of the question. Besides, for whatever reasons I had for living a life like this – I just began living it without asking myself the “whys”. The mundane routine – of getting up, fetching a cup of coffee, going to the nearest cafe for that special apple-pie, taking pictures of  myriad shades of the lake – was enough for me to go by.

But the questions… Somewhere, within me I had an answer but I couldn’t rake it out. I spent days and nights trying to find it. My world turned upside down and yet I was without an answer – What am I doing here? I gave up blogging and replaced it with smoking. Still no answer. I cried alone at nights – the morning didn’t bring any answer.

And then…

A stranger’s comment, the other day, “I can see why you could leave everything and live here…” – my first enlightenment. Am I here to live by the lake? Could it be just that?

An email from a friend, “How’s your writing going on, Missy?” – my second enlightenment. I am here to write OR am I?

Met a friend, she asked “When are you starting your flying class?” – my AHA moment. I was meant to fly. I took this break to take up a flying course. DUH!!!

Now that I know [or rather, I am reminded of] why I am here, living a laid-back life; I am going to start over. Being born with rose tinted glasses, I have tried not to see the world differently. For me, everything is pleasant and so I am labelled “shallow” or “naive” or “living in a bubble”. That’s what I am, that’s who I am. Whether the writing happens or not, whether I take that flying course or not, whether I can afford to live by the lake for the rest of my life or not… I am going to be who I am.

I just wish I wouldn’t [at times] listen to the voices which eventually begin to sound like mine.

It’s a Wonderful Life, is it really?

14 Jan

It was that time of the year… the time to get busy buying gifts, looking for recipes to treat family and friends [perhaps], the time for merriment… the time to review…

In reference to the much-favoured Christmas time movie – “It’s a Wonderful Life” – thus was my time to review, to look back and look back more and then just keep looking.

The way I saw it, then!

So many what-ifs come my way as I review my life. I am upset, I am happy, sad and not sad. I don’t know the exact state of my mind. Hence, the review.

What if I were to stand by a bridge, ready to end my life?

–        Would anyone be praying for me as did Bailey’s children?

–        Would someone from up above send down my guardian angel?

–        Would the angel get the much coveted wings?

1 (2)

To the first question – NO, no one’s going to pray for me. I have avoided all or any relationship for the last two years [the years of seclusion/ social isolation]. My family don’t know where exactly I am at this moment. I have tortured them and in return have tortured myself [looking back, that’s exactly what I see or how I see it].

With my family out of the question to pray for my worthless/ useless life, I might be left with a hope that my friends might be the one praying. Not for long, though. Let’s face it, I DO NOT have friends. Along with my family, I have alienated friends – the ones who keep mailing me once in a while [despite knowing all too well that they won’t hear a thing from me]. They might have prayed for me had they known I’m standing over a bridge in an attempt to end my life. They do not know and so they won’t pray for me.

To the second question – I’m pretty sure it’s a positive. Someone from up above will be sending down my guardian angel. After all, I’d otherwise be wasting a precious life in the blink of an eye OR at the drop of a body.

To the third question – NO, a hundred percent negative. I’d thus like to take this space to apologise to my guardian angel who might have to live without eir much coveted wings. All I wish [from the bottom of my heart] is that the “angels” would keep passing me on from one to the other by the time I take that dreadful final jump.

Why?  Let me tell you why…

Back to the “It’s a Beautiful Life” reference, my angel does drop by [ey has to, ey is obliged to, it’s eir duty or whatever reasons poor ey is made to do so] and jumps off the bridge, an instant before I make that plunge.

–        Yes, I’ll follow immediately. A big splash followed by not so big splash [considering my weight and hoping my angel’s a hefty cute teddy bear like] and there I will be saving my angel, tugging em to the shore.

–        Next thing you know, ey’ll be telling me ey’s my Guardian Angel and that ey’s here to help [because ey’s obligated to, because ey wants the wings for emself].

–        What follows next is me wailing and crying over how useless my life is and how all problems would be solved had I never been born.

–        My angel, being as powerful, tries to show me how the world would have been “had I not been born”.

–        END OF THE STORY.

angel & s1ngal

What we [the Angel and I] see:

My parents’ land [their biggest asset] has been transformed into a beautiful apple orchard. The land may not be big but the beauty is just Eden-like [maybe, I haven’t seen the Eden garden but I like to think it’s what that piece of land would have looked like had it had a chance to bloom/ blossom]. The land that my parents sold off just to get me to college, has trees with apples so …… [speechless].

My big brother looks suave, confident [having taken all the attention from parents and relatives, I being no longer in the picture]. He looks intelligent [some things you can just see] for Dad must’ve given him the lessons I snatched from him from right under his nose. Dad must’ve spent ample time to turn him into a wise soul – the way he looks now.

My mom is happy – there are no “worry” lines in her face, after all the only person who’s given her all the worries “was never born”.

I don’t see the girl who almost died of malnutrition. I had saved her by donating my blood. The angel tells me she never saw the light of the week. I see her little brother [all grown up] standing outside a cafe with “Homeless & Hungry” tag. [I haven’t scored any points, tsk].

Some children in the neighbourhood, who I’d babysat for, are all grownups – doing just as well [whether or not I “had been born”].

angel dies

I wish I had never never-ever watched the movie :sigh: for I’ve virtually killed an angel :'[]

Weekly photo challenge: Changing seasons’ sunsets

10 Dec

Living a fast paced life until last year, I swear I never had time to notice the changing seasons. When seasons changed, my wardrobe changed and that was changing seasons for me – no exaggeration!

However, ever since I’ve swapped my “fast-paced-life” to this “laid-back socially-isolated-life” — I have discovered that the sun doesn’t always set in the same spot. Yeah, laugh at me… but it’s like discovering a miracle.

Hence, a second round for this week’s photo challenge – Changing sunsets/ Changing seasons

Then:

 

Now,

Can you tell the difference?

Everything will be all wrong

30 Nov

When people say, “Don’t worry… everything will be alright…” I neither can believe them nor believe in them. Why don’t they rather say, “Don’t worry, everything will be all wrong…”? It’s the truth… nothing will be all right, everything will be all wrong.

alrong

Now, I’ll try to explain my theory of “Don’t worry… Everything will be all wrong.”

Let’s start with the “Don’t worry”. When you see someone in pain/ trouble/ going through tough times in eir lives, you have to tell them not to worry. You must also use this phrase on people who keep worrying their brains out. I’m talking about people who would worry if they won’t have anything to worry about, trust me there are these kinds. So, basically “Don’t worry” means you know don’t worry or in a layman’s term – Stop worrying! [Genius, right?]

Now, let’s go on to the second phrase – “Everything will be all right”. The words “will be” = future which is absolutely uncertain. Even Alice Cullen with her vampirical power to see in the future has professed [does this word go here? I’m trying to write something very smart but if you think this isn’t the right word – please be smarter and replace it with whatever word “actually” fits there and continue reading, will you?] that future is uncertain. You’ve gotta believe her, even the Volturis believe her and are “actually” after her [for her power to see into the future].

So, where was I? Oh yes, future is uncertain. Therefore, when you tell people “everything will be alright” – you’re actually not making any sense. In which case, you should stop saying it.

On the other hand, if you say “Don’t worry… Everything will be all wrong – the whole thing sounds different with the change in that last word. When someone says, “Don’t worry, everything will be all right” means what’s happening around you now isn’t right and that in the near future [which no one’s seen] things will be [future tense] all right.

Everything is going to be ALL WRONG!!)

Everything is going to be ALL WRONG!!)

 

However, if someone says, “Don’t worry, everything will be all wrong”, it is an assurance that you’re in a good place already. Once people find out where they are [at that point of time], is a good place [already] – well the worrying actually stops. Think about it. Wouldn’t you stop worrying if you knew that you were in a good place, already?

Besides, when you say “Everything will be all wrong”, it’s a way of saying “I doubt if everything will go wrong”. As I have mentioned somewhere above “will be” is future – uncertainty. Now, imagine saying “Everything will be all right” and what it could imply.

Moreover, when you say “Everything will be all wrong” – it’s also another way of “hoping for the best, preparing for the worst”.

Well, if you aren’t convinced yet… Don’t worry… Everything will be alright.

Day 4 no Mo

29 Nov

Day 4, No More [smoking] 😀

OK, I’d like to make it official – I’m through with cigarettes.

This morning, the only new thing I tried was a bowl of organic yogurt and it was really good. It was great, the taste – totally unflavoured/ unsweetened and yet it tasted great just the way it was. I’m going to continue with the yogurt along with my olive oil and my green tea routine. Yay!

Tomorrow morning, however, I’m going to get up early to watch the sunrise, with a friend. However, this kinda plan always sounds easy and doable but at the nick of time i.e. when one has to actually get up early. We’ll see. If I do make it, I might write about it and then I might even have a picture for the post.

p.s.

 

Last night I watched “End of Watch” and  I was only disappointed to see Bryan living… seriously?!? Is it because Bryan’s played by the awesome Gyllenhaal? Apart from him living, the movie’s awesome.

Day free smoke three

28 Nov

Sorry I just messed up the title… I meant to title zis post DAY 3 – SMOKE FREE!!! I want to celibate errr I mean I want to celebrate… [The aftereffects of quitting smoking, I guess :D]

The best thing or rather the worst one is that I am having a helluva spare time to kill in the morning. That’s how it really feels without smoking. It’s so scary when you have so much time in your hands – free/ idle and ergo devilish. The feeling – this overwhelming feeling of having this abysmal space of time, it is quite overwhelming especially in the morning. I don’t feel like this during the day or in the evening – it’s only in the morning.

Strangely though, there’s no craving as such :phew: I’d say. I don’t feel the urge to smoke. I still have my emergency packs but they don’t even cross my mind except now and ONLY because I’m writing about it. I’m not resisting the temptation to smoke because well, there’s no temptation. That’s one reason why it’s been easy being smoke free on day 3.

Now back to the abysmal space of time that I try to kill every morning, I do so by trying to be as creative and as motivated as possible. I try to write in the morning and I’m even trying new things every morning. Hence, this morning I tried this:

Just sip 10 drops of olive oil before you sip hot tea in the morning and see the impact in 3 days… it cleanses body mind and life

 

I’m just one day into this experiment – in 2 days’ time, I’ll be able to see the impact and maybe post it here if it’s worth it.

day TWO

27 Nov

Day 2 – still going on, stronger still, without cigarettes.

I always tell myself that I’ll stand up to that silly colleague , that I’ll hold my ground and say things to her face – things I rehearse while in bed. As the dark fades into the light so do my words vanish in the morning air. And then when I do face my colleague later, I only smile 🙂 Also, every night in bed, working out sounds very doable but in the morning – well there never is a morning [by the time I finally manage to wake up, morning’s long gone].

I don’t know why it’s always so easy to go to bed with a herculean resolve [about everything going on in life] and wake up a witness to the withering and crumbling of the same resolve made just the night before.

Well, here’s how I’ve been doing so far with my resolve I had made here.

I’m not going to take my life for granted, no matter what. CHECK or…. maybe, I dunno :-/

I am going to look after myself, I am going to quit smoking starting NOW. DOing it.

I am going to eat healthy stuff. GETTING THERE… slow and steady

I am going to have lots of fruits and veggies. What’s fruits and veggies? 

I am going to work out. HAH!

I am going to see my optician. I’D RATHER WAIT TILL I GO BLIND BEFORE I SEE………

I am going to see my dentist. I’M DEFINITELY SAVING MONEY FOR THIS ONE, in 10 years I might be ready.

I am going to my GP. ON A SECOND THOUGHT, maybe in the next decade…

I am going to use anti-aging lotions. JUST TOO MANY to choose from… aaaargh

I am going to drink my green-tea regularly. proud DO’ER

I am going to get a hair-cut. DEFINITELY STILL making up my mind on this.

I am going to make sure no one hides their face behind a book 10 years later. ANOTHER ONE that can wait a decade ;)

The aftermath [of quitting smoking, maybe] – I have become absolutely forgetful. I came here to write something and completely forgot what it was that I had so desperately wanted to write. A friend asked me what my school’s English teacher’s name was and I cannot remember it – at all. 

Nothing for nothing

25 Nov

For most people, I come across as this loud, brash and obnoxious girl. I remember my high-school days where I was friends with a very popular [affable/ liked by ALL] girl. Then we became the best buddies. She was liked by all – teachers/ peers/ seniors/ juniors but I wasn’t. We were VERY alike – even in terms of looks. We almost looked similar, we had similar fashion sense, we both liked to write, we were both pranksters, we were everything each one of us was. Yet, it was strange the way she could attract everyone and I repel. 

Case 1

If she was talking to a group of people [which was almost always] and I were to walk into it, each one in the group would make excuse or leave without making one leaving just the two of us. I thought they were intimidated by me and at times I even flattered myself to think that they were jealous of me being friends with the most popular girl.

And then, on one of such occasions I joined in the group again and everybody left again but one. Then there were three of us chatting away, oblivion to the third girl’s shock [which was unveiled during the “goodbye”].

Before we parted, the third girl told me “Hey, I didn’t know you’re this cool!”

“Why, what did you think I was like?” I asked back.

“I always hear you talk in a loud voice, laugh like a hyena… I always thought how  anyone can talk to a person like you… I never thought you were cool, I’m sorry.”

Let’s call her candid because she was – candid and honest. Yes, I am loud. It’s my vocal cord – gift from the Almighty. No one in my family has a vocal cord like mine, I thought I was blessed. I have what can be rightly called “a very commanding voice”. Anyone who speaks to me over the phone can never imagine that ey are talking to a cute barely-five-feet human being. O yes, I am cute when I’m not hot 😉

Case 2

Even at work , some years later I went through a similar nightmare. It was nowhere like high-school, though. There were big bullies, “experienced” in another word. I was still loud and hence deemed obnoxious. Here, I was deemed so obnoxious that everyone seemed to wait for the next mistake I’d commit and fortunately for them it happened very often. One fine day, I quit.

I got promoted within the first two years I was there and it was then they began to “love” me. The colleagues with ever-ready magnifying glasses for my mistakes hid their device and instead plastered a “we’re your friends” smile. I had worked hard, fought my battles and so was being given the honour of avenging them by becoming their boss. That’s when I quit. See how I’m more than my loud voice!

Case 3

After that fine day, I ended up working at a childcare centre and completely fell in love with the job. I was so eager to be liked, I did almost everything I was told to. Mind you, my voice was still loud and once again I was deemed obnoxious, needless to say. However, they accepted me for  my hard-word and passion.

Then one day, the centre’s cook called in sick and I was the only staff there along with the director, for the opening shift. The director asked me if I could help in the kitchen. [Besides being kitchen-phobic, I don’t know how to cook or boil or broil or you name it and I wouldn’t have a clue]. She assured me she’d help me and that I just had to be there to see if what was being cooked to boil, boils. I agreed.

Everything was going pretty well with the director keeping her words until lunch time. I [and the director, of course] forgot to make a separate gluten-free lunch for one child. She apologised to the teachers/ carers and took the blame upon herself but later they started making fun of me. They made jokes about the episode, me being the butt of it. For a while, I took it all with my head held high. There were more jokes and just when I couldn’t take anymore, I broke down. I cried [I hardly cry in public but that day I just cried]. I felt awful, guilty and good-for-nothing and so I cried. No one in the centre knew what a “softie” I was, until that incident.

I don’t know why I am perceived this way – obnoxious, loud and brash. Is it because I have a loud [intimidating] voice? Is it because I DO laugh like a hyena when I laugh my heart out? Is it because I have broad shoulders for a petite girl? Is it because I’m smart, clever and witty? Is it because I am quite knowledgeable in things I talk about? Is it because of the way I walk? Is it because I’m always so helplessly melodramatic? Is it because I know how to hold my head high even when I lose? Is it because I want everyone around me to feel better? Is it because I’m too pleasing that it begins to look like I’m faking it?

I really have doubts if my friends and family ever genuinely feel sorry for me. They might pity me when I end up “down in the dumps” but I doubt if they might ever feel sorry for me. I don’t blame them… it’s just that I’m stuck with this repelling personality and there’s nothing anyone – myself included – could do about it.

Nevertheless, I love myself for who I am because I am more, way lot more, than just my loud voice.

So here’s a plea – Next time you judge a loud girl for a brash and obnoxious kind, please look beyond her voice. She may have been completely misunderstood, she may even be a softie inside, she may be more than just a loud voice, she might be ME.

p.s. I’m not a Taylor Swift fan but this song’s struck some chord!!!

Weekly Photo Challenge: Thankful

23 Nov

I’m so glad I’ve joined the blogging community and I’m thankful for the many challenges thrown in by WordPress. I”m really grateful for all the “likes” and the “follows”, they are quite the motivation. I’m thankful for bloggers who’ve been very encouraging, very supportive – making me feel completely at home in this little screen and also making me cheat on my life in solitude ;).

I’m thankful for certain friends and certain members of my family who wouldn’t take No for an answer and make their presence felt with their regular one-way emails :sighs:

And now, AS a response to the Weekly Photo Challenge, here are a few of my photos that scream out “BE THANKFUL“.

I’m thankful for each day – happy or sad. For happy days, I’m thankful for the sunrise – “Good time’s just begun” it says.

For not-so-happy days, I’m thankful for the sunset – “It’s over” the message I see in it.

I read this somewhere once:

A person asks a wise sage, “What is one line that when a happy person reads it makes em sad and when a sad person reads it makes em happy?”

Wise sage: This too shall pass.

I’m thankful for my shoes that take me places, I’m thankful that there’s a pair of shoes that only I can fit in.

I’m thankful for the food I get to eat everyday and ever more thankful for the once-in-a-blue-moon threat-to-my-staying-in-shape-project desserts.

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