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i LOVE what i LOVE

29 Jan

I am who I am and i LOVE what i LOVE.

I’ve always been vocal about what I love – I’m saying “what” not “who” so do not get any ideas :thinks she’s made a brilliant remark here: [PATHETIC, I know]. So yeah, back to me being vocal about what I love – things I love.

There was a time I could never get enough of those potato wedges – I used to gulp and swallow and munch [not in that particular order or any other order for that matter] these things and still come back for more. Now, the reason I said “I am very vocal” is because when I fall in love with certain things – I just keep chanting them like some kind of mantra. I keep saying how much I [used to] love these wedges. My neighbours get sick and tired of hearing me rant about these things that I’ve come to love so much [as they hear it way too many times to not get “sick and tired” of].

tastes best with sour cream & sweet chilli sauce: IMAGE SOURCE

tastes best with sour cream & sweet chili sauce: IMAGE SOURCE

But guess what, eventually the same “sick and tired” listeners get tempted and they give in to them wedges. The worst part then is that they too fall in love with these things and I can’t believe it’s the same listeners who once got “sick and tired”. The worse than the worst part again is now I hear me [my words] coming out of their stuffed [with wedges dipped in sour cream and sweet chilli] mouth. Talk about plagiarism :sigh:

I love things – yes, I love them to bits and I keep saying it over and over. That’s the way I am. When I love things, I love them unconditionally… there’s just nothing that could ever change my unconditional love…

…And then inevitable as it is, I move on… while my listeners are still hooked to it. Now, here comes the best part. Once I move on, I normally don’t go back to where I was and just the way I am vocal about things I love – well, I’m equally if not more vocal about the things that disgust me. My words coming out of another being [that too after I’ve moved on] disgust me. So, I’m not only vocal with words but with my facial expressions, too.

The better than the best part is – the confusion in their faces.

 

Bad Days: Revisited

22 Jan

When things went bad, it really did. I’m just revisiting the time between mid December 2012 to mid January 2013 – I am doing this because:

  1. firstly, I need to know if I was really down in the dumps or was my mind playing dirty filthy tricks
  2. secondly, I need a closure if I need to start afresh.
  3. lastly, I do not want to go down the lane ever again.

So what happened?

A friend called to inform me she’d be coming over for a week. I was glad to have a friend around – after all it was the festive season and so on and so forth. Next thing I know, she here with her fiance. Next to the next thing I know, her fiance is here with his mother. They all wanted a “change of scene”.

Now, although I do live by a lake – it, in no way, means I am filthy rich. Luckily, I had the house for myself – my roommate having gone away to enjoy her holidays. I gave up my room for the mother out of respect, of course. Then, we pitched 2 tents – one for the couple in love and one for me.

  • I was homeless. I didn’t have the warmth of my bed and I lost the undisputed remote control over my TV.

They arrived on 26th and I was having a good time, sans my room, sans my TV, sans my bed – but a good time, I was having. I didn’t want the festive season to be anything other than a good time.

To make up for the missed Christmas gala, we decided to make a campfire and have a good dinner. It was then that my friend told me 27th being her fiance’s birthday, that we stay up till midnight. Once the clock struck 12, we sang the “birthday” jingle and we decided to call it a night around 1 am. By then, the fiance was drunk, totally pissed. When we finally parted ways, I heard him call out my name. Once in my tent, just when I was tucking myself in my phone rang. It was the fiance. He had called to see if I was okay.

  • From the very next day, the couple started fighting/ arguing about things. There was a strange tension between them.

That night, my friend slept in my tent. Their rows were ear-sore. The next night, she came to my tent again and then I sent her back because I needed some space desperately.

  • I wished they’d leave. I didn’t want them to stay through to January. I didn’t want them around.

That night, there was no yelling around and so both of them came to my tent. I got into talking – about how it’s sometimes awfully awful to be living the way I am. The fiance was listening – very sympathetic and very responsive – he was saying all the things I wanted to hear. Encouraged, I kept at it. Then, out of the blue, my friend intervened.

  • She pointed out to me, my flaws – I didn’t know I had so many of them. Everything that went wrong was my doing

I put up a brave face and nodded my way into the end of her advice. We called it a night just after midnight. Once, they were gone I cried. I wish I could write why I cried but I am not that brave.

Next morning, she asked us [the fiance and I] to go shopping as she just wanted to sit back and relax. I badly wanted time alone [especially after what had happened last night] so I walked out while the fiance was having breakfast. She came running to me asking to wait up for him. I said I’d rather go alone.

  • “Is there something going on between you two?” she shouted. 

WTF. WTF. I walked out, I didn’t want to be around them – not for another second.

Once I came back, I went straight to my tent. That night the fiance made some soup and my friend called me to join them for dinner. Ha!!

I didn’t speak to them until they left on the 2nd.

Post their departure:

I couldn’t figure out where, when how and why things could have gone this way. The damage had been done and I didn’t know my way back. Time being the biggest healer, the normalcy slowly crept back in – slowly but surely – although I was still hurting.

Then one friend presented me a bamboo ashtray that he had made himself. Sweet!! I know and I also knew the positive was flowing in.

The day I came back to blog and while I typed the first letters, my fingers froze. Then the messages from the Lunatic, NICOLITE, Koji San – I finally saw the light at the end of that dark, filthy tunnel.

The next day i.e. Jan 14, I dismantled my tent and moved back into my room.

  1. I need to know if I was really down in the dumps or was my mind playing dirty filthy tricks – I was down in the dumps and it wasn’t my mind playing dirty filthy tricks. 
  2. secondly, I need a closure if I need to start afresh. Check. Closure needed, closure delivered.
  3. lastly, I do not want to go down the lane ever again. Never say never. I may go down that lane again but I’ll react better, I swear.

Friends, frenemies, enemies – Come who may, I will see the silver lining until my dying day….

Yesterday… once more

21 Jan

Oh well, yesterday I saw this amazingly good looking guy… well, I have something for guys with facial hair, I swear. The moment I saw him, I was… errr well…  my whole world stopped… just like in movies/ books, I guess… I just couldn’t stop grinning [ear to ear]. Beard at first sight and I was in love at second. The more I looked at him the better he seemed to look… there was a small spot on his left cheek right above his beard… and he had such lovely pout… and I just couldn’t get my eyes off him…….. U…N…T…I…L

beard

this is how HE looked – image source

[The grinning stopped, so abruptly]… when next to HIM I saw a shadow… and realised it wasn’t a shadow. Then I saw his hands locked in hers. I connected the hand to HER face… It was HER turn to grin, a smug “I have HIM” grin… I grinned back, no longer that smitten grin, though… mine now was a smugger “WUH-EVA I’m better looking than you” grin. We all parted ways happier than when we bumped into each other [or so I’d like to believe].

Every dog has a day

2 Dec

Every dog has a day. I’m not a dog [even if I’d love to be one] and so I have a week which I’d love to spend like this —> 

monday

Mondays!

tuesday

Tuesdays!!

wednesday

Wednesdays!!!

thursday

!Thursdays!

friday

!!Fridays!!

saturday

!!!Saturdays!!!

sunday

every day is SUNDAY

IF it’s still not clear – I want “all you can sleep… for a dollar” sorta life – any given DAY. After all, I could be THE sleeping beauty.

:winks:

:goes right back to sleep:

:yawns in her sleep:

:sleeps in her sleep:

:dreams of sleeping in her sleep:

Home Lone

13 Nov

I’m single but I had a roommate until day before. She’s gone and I’m actually alone. I didn’t quite want to let her know how excited I was to have the whole house for myself but excited I definitely was.

When she was around, I had to be careful not to wake her up as part of my forced insomnia programme. I love to be a night-owl, I love it and I especially love to smoke around 1 am, sitting outside in the chill with the moon. If you haven’t tried it, I’d highly recommend it – the moon watch minus the smoke, if you can.

So the day she left I couldn’t wait to be back home and celebrate my solitude. I was in the kitchen banging the pots and pans without an iota of worry. Then I came to my room with tea – I didn’t walk from the kitchen to my room, I stomped all the way :D. I just had to do it. I’m an opportunist and I’m the kind who loves to make hay when the sun shines.

It was 9 when I stomped to my room with this tea. I got my smoke ready for post-midnight chore. So excited I was, I decided to hit the bed to calm  myself down lest I die of happy excitement and….

sigh

….and I fell asleep :sigh:

ps- Reverse therapy always works on me – ALWAYS. 😦 [I guess]

the “They”

9 Nov

I’m living a single life – not always happy, not always sad either. It’s just living with the ups and downs through thick and thin by myself. If a beautiful girl, as I, wants to stay single – What’s their problem?

Everyone suddenly becomes more insightful than me, more knowledgeable. I let people be people. I’ve never imposed single-hood on every soul I see, NO NEVER. So what gives these no-longer-single the right to impose their couple-hood on me? Have I ever asked any of these “married”/ “in a serious relationship” people to become single like me?

oooooh yeah!!!

First case:

A middle-age colleague says that I must – mind you, MUST – get married. It’s the way of life.

I say, “Why”

He say, “Because you need company. You can’t live on your own. Now you can, because you’re fit and capable. What about later, old-age?”

I say, “I’ll deal with it when it comes. I can’t stop living knowing that I’ll die some day. Would you?”

He say, “But this is different. How can you choose to stay single? Do you know how difficult it is to live single?” [fyi, he’s been a widower for a few years now]

I say, “Look at you. You married but look at YOU, LOOK at YOURSELF, you ARE single…” I hated myself the moment these words came out.

He say, nothing.

Second case:

A thirty-something colleague says that I shouldn’t choose to live like this.

He says, “You can’t choose to live a single life… What kind of life is that?”

I says, “My kind of life…”

He says, “You’re healthy, capable….. now but what about later?”

I says, “I’ll be unhealthy, incapable…. later”

He says, “You’ve got to have some plan…. You’ll suffer later.”

I wanted to says, “Won’t you?” But I says, “I have plans… just that my plans don’t involve getting married.” I smiles. He no smiles.

What was the Second-case guy thinking? I mean, WHO doesn’t have a plan? We all have plans, don’t we? I have plans too – I’m not quite sure what they are now but I’m quite sure it can wait and it’s there – somewhere. Besides, many things I had planned earlier didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted them to. Some of them were a disaster, some still are.

Also, both men mentioned that I’m healthy and capable [I’d like to take this opportunity to consider the comments a compliment. Sigh, it’s so rare, sigh again]. So, do they want me to be with someone in case I become unhealthy and incapable? Is that why they could have married? To make sure someone’s out there for them during their unhealthy and incapable times? Could that be their plan? So much for romance. Well, here’s the news – THEIR PLANS SUCK.

My plan rocks – “plan when a plan needs to be planned. If not, plan no plans. Single living HIGH thinking [aka living single and thinking about getting high] – There, I have a plan or rather I have Plan A. I’m high 😀

 

Mila Kunis & Josh Lucas

7 Nov

I saw this Josh Lucas look-alike day before yesterday. It was strange – the resemblance. He even had that sexy nasal voice – yes I overheard him. Today, I saw him with his girlfriend – they were too close to comfort to be friends. Guess who she looks like – Mila Kunis. If the cafe had a bit more people than the three of us, I swear I’d have taken a picture of these Hollywood look-alike couple.

This is how they almost looked:

…as long as you understand what I’m trying to say with this pic…

This is what I love about my life. I may be wandering, I may be a nomad… at times I don’t know where I am going or if this is the path I should be walking on to reach where I want to reach… The best thing, however, is I am not looking forward to anything – which leaves me ample time to look around and notice things, notice people. I am like a child uncovering, discovering and rediscovering the mysteries of life. I may be broke, socially isolated and absolutely loving being single but the most beautiful thing is –  I AM LIVING. 

I live every second until it becomes a minute and then I live the minute and see it turn into an hour. I’m living each and every moment, maybe I don’t always enjoy it all but live – I DO. Isn’t that what life’s/ life should be all about??

Live Evil

6 Nov

This is my third attempt title to get out one post for the day and I”m really hoping to get this done – I mean get my post out for the day.

I haven’t been able to stop smoking. O yes, I’m still at it. Slowly, the number of cigarettes is going UP which is quite evil. Earlier, when I had quit smoking I had used procrastination as my weapon against it. I gave up thinking/ knowing I’d be smoking again. In the mornings when I badly wanted to smoke, I told myself I’ll smoke in the evening. In the evenings, I’d always convince myself to smoke tomorrow first thing in the morning. Trust me, it really worked but alas! that was then.

As for now, the procrastination’s gone the wrong way. Instead of postponing the smoking, I’m postponing quitting. 😦

I wake up every morning i.e. before noon at least and the first thought is – Cigarette! Smoke! Then I tell my evil self not to smoke and it listens to me. Brush my teeth – check. Take a shower – check. Prepare morning tea – check. Up until then, I’m good without cigarette. What happens next always disgusts me. I automatically reach out for a cigarette and there I am smoking.

Just while I was writing those lines above – about my morning – I have come up with a solution. Maybe I shouldn’t have any cigarettes around. Not even an emergency pack. This last sentence kind of reminded me of a joke, which goes like this:

Once, there was this guy who wanted to end his life. [I’m sorry if this is offensive, it’s just a joke.] He bumped into his friend.

Friend: Where are you going?

The guy: To the forest…

Friend: So… what’s with the rope?

The guy: I’m going to commit suicide.

Friend: OH! What’s with the flashlight?

The guy: Gotta be careful, there are poisonous snakes around… Duh!!!

Word source: s1ngal. Click here for —> IMAGE SOURCE

What was I thinking keeping an emergency cigarette pack? I’m sure as long as I have that pack, quitting’s not going to happen. In which case, once I finish this pack, I’m not going to get another emergency pack. I’m sure that way I’ll be able to ward off this evil that I’m living.

One day good will prevail over evil! Well, at least that’s what I’m hoping for :fingers crossed:

 

Truly Lonely

1 Nov

I’m happy to be part of NaBloPoMo as a consolation for not being prepared/ ready for the NaNoWriMo. Because my mind’s drawn a blank like it does every time I want to write – I’m taking help from the Daily Prompts.

When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely? 

I’m living a single life – result of my own choosing. Although many people may assume that it’s a lonely thing to do – I say, “feeling lonely” is entirely a different ball game. One may feel lonely being in a relationship or even in a crowd surrounded by kith and kin.

The last time I felt really, truly lonely was on a day when everything fell into place. Rather than writing about when it was last that I felt really, truly lonely – I’d like to write about when I do feel lonely.

I’ve realised, living all by myself – away from family and friends – that I don’t quite feel lonely when I’m sad. I have always been strong enough to sort out my troubles and being single allows me to take a step back, breathe and start over again. My head’s always clear because I’m alone – no conflicting demons in terms of opinions from anyone. It’s me, my decision, my problems, my solutions.

So when do I feel really, truly lonely? Well, I feel lonely when I’m *happy*. The other day I was so happy I wanted to jump up high – which I did – but like Jon Krakauer has written in his book Into the Wild –

 ‘HAPPINESS [is] ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED’

There’s no one to pat my back when I achieve little feats – like the time I learnt how to mow the lawn [all by myself] and I could smell the freshly mown earth. I was drenched in sweat but it was a pleasant experience and right then the unbearable loneliness of being hit me. There was no one to see what I had done, no one to share that joy – joy of doing something so new and quite well.

I’ve learnt to smile at myself, pat my own back… but then again I can’t stop feeling lonely when I’m [supposed to be] happy. Being single, feeling lonely is the price I have to pay for happiness.

Why no Yay?!?

30 Oct

How single can I be? How single have I become? I have just begun wondering… And this is why!

A very VERY good friend told me she’s getting her wedding invitation cards designed “…the wedding card’s being designed the funky cute way…” She was all excited – over the phone. I was absolutely cold. My response, hence – “Count me out. Consider it an early RSVP.”

Imagine – a very VERY good sharing the excitement of her lifetime and how insanely sinister was my response.

V V good friend: But why?

s1ngal: Long story.

V V good friend: a short one, I’m sure you can do it…

s1ngal: Your relationship died *for me* a long time back. I can’t pretend to enjoy a funeral.

V V good friend: You can attend a funeral though, even if it’s to shed some tears for me… my relationship has revived….

s1ngal: kept the phone away for a while with a little *ahas* and *okays” in between.

Knowing my friend the invitation may look something like this. IMAGE SOURCE

Okay a little background to my friend’s relationship. Yes, she’s been going out with this guy for ages like EIGHT years. When she breaks up with the guy, he comes running to her – wailing and whining to be taken back. Then, one fine day, as if answering to my un-prayed prayers – HE broke up with her. I knew it was the end of it all. I almost rejoiced until I saw her crying. HUH! They’d drifted apart like…. like… ummm like… okay imagine the worst *drifting apart* scenario. That’s when she went running to HIM – wailing and whining. “Ewwwww” my exact emotion when she ran into his crossed arms [or whatever’s the opposite of “arms wide open”].

they’ve BEEN there and DONE all that. IMAGE SOURCE

Okay a little more background to my friend’s relationship. She’s been going out with this guy for ages like AGES which in time gave us all enough time to become friends. So the guy is apparently a friend too. In the past, they’ve been engaged 3 times and if I’m not wrong, the guy’s already given up on going down on his knees. So this time around, without all the nonsensical formalities [applicable only to these friends, mind you :)] of engaging, which they always tend to call off, they have decided to get hitched – in February.

I DON’T THINK I CAN!

Yes, I’m single but I’m a foolishly hopelessly romantic at heart. When this news of her getting married didn’t do anything to my heartbeat [like I had suddenly turned to stone], I was shocked. Have I become so single that I can’t even enjoy a very VERY good friend’s happy ending [of spinsterhood]? OR is it because it’s SHE and HE getting  married that didn’t stir up any emotions in my heart? I’m hoping it’s the latter.

I want to be single but I’d always want to be a foolishly hopelessly romantic at heart. Is it possible?

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