an Idle Mind

25 Sep

This is coming from someone who is in complete denial of a relapse she is going through. For 24 hours, she did not smoke [clean sheet] and then the sheet got dirtier.

Now, why did this happen? She wonders! She was talking :gibberish: with her colleagues and before she knew it she reached out for a cigarette and walked out to the smoking corner. She toyed with that stick for a wee while – it was as if she was having second thoughts and a momentary “to smoke or not to smoke” pause. There was no one, just the cigarette and her.

She reminded herself that she had quit smoking to become healthier. She then asked herself the “need” to smoke right there and then. There was no “need” – she wasn’t stressed nor was she angry. ‘There wasn’t having-a-bad-day syndrome. A flash and there the cigarette was lit and she was inhaling the burned nicotine infested tobacco holding white cylindrical thing with a spongy yellowish butt.

The only NEW excuse she came down to [after she lit that first cigarette] – än ídlé mínd ís the SMÖKËR’s wórkshóp… and thus begins a new era of experiment. She has promised not to keep herself idle. Hence she might blog more if not watch movies. She’s since [since the first cigarette, today] watched – Game Change, A Mighty Heart and is now enjoying The Hunger Games while working, mind you.

NB. This post is being written in the Third Person because s1ngal is ashamed of the relapse. She will continue to write this way until the smoking and the relapse are a thing of the past. She wants you all to kindly bear with her and she wants you all to trust her when she says “She’s trying.” Like the_Lunatic commented, “It’s easy until it’s not”, s1ngal is finding it not EASY at this moment.

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8 Responses to “an Idle Mind”

  1. djmatticus September 25, 2012 at 10:50 am #

    Blogging and movies are good. I’ve also found that doing chores around the house are a good way to keep myself from going into the “idle” mode. Great post. Good luck going forward!

    • s1ngal September 25, 2012 at 10:52 am #

      thank you. I really need a lot of “good lucks” alongside a video library 😀

  2. Picture-Bandit September 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

    I hate to quote myself but somehow: “recreation is the preparation for inspiration”

    Idle mode is actually how it looks like when I am working 🙂 Sitting and reading or writing… or just snapping images like a tourist.

    I wonder sometimes, for myself and others, where this wish to stop doing that (alcohol, smoking, drugs in general or other unhealthy habits, it even could be eating or sports, high stress jobs etc.) comes from.

    When the motivation for change is internal, motivated by myself I notice a change immediately be it that I do more exercise or drink less sugary drinks (or even smoking less)… maybe it doesn’t keep up for long but I know another day/week/month/year of healthy activity will come around.

    My mother always says: “the sum of all your vices remains constant”

    In my eyes you do not need to be ashamed to have smoked a cigarette or to relapse, I knew people who came up to me with pride telling my that they got their habit down to one pack a day!

    Moderation in Moderation

    • s1ngal September 26, 2012 at 7:26 am #

      thank you so much for this beautiful response. I’m touched. In fact I haven’t gone beyond 2/3 cigarettes a day and I just don’t want to get into the “habit”. But you’re right, moderation in moderation. lovely. thank you very much!!!

  3. NicoLite Великий September 25, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    there, you heard him

    • s1ngal September 26, 2012 at 7:28 am #

      Yup, loud and clear. My only thing is I WON’T GIVE UP… everyday I may curse myself for lighting that first cigarette but immediately after I’ll resolve to quit [in all seriousness]. Í WILL NOT GIVE UP ON GIVING UP SMOKING. There, you heard me. 😀

  4. Mustang.Koji September 25, 2012 at 5:41 pm #

    s1ngal , this is not a joke…but a sincere suggestion. You know those baby carrots? Try holding one as if it were one of those “white cylindrical thing-ies”. Sometimes changing up the routine helps?

    • s1ngal September 25, 2012 at 11:07 pm #

      Thank you, will definitely try.

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