The past few weeks – “the season of merriment”, “the holiday season” – have been horrible on me. I wish I could point out why… but I just can’t. I chickened out and hid behind the dark shadows of gloom when everyone out there was celebrating. Why was I scared to celebrate?
For me to start over, I need to know why or how I ended in the dumps first.
It all began with one question. “So… what exactly are you doing – here? now?” I just smiled. It was funny and light. The person asking me was genuinely concerned. The second time around, it had almost the same effect. But then… then it started pouring my way. It felt as if the whole world wanted to know what exactly is it that I am doing here. My life went spiraling down when I heard my own voice asking me the same question and yet I didn’t know why I was here.
I was here for a reason. I knew it for sure. Maybe up until when I ignored the question [for the first time], I knew why I was here. Then I forgot the answer because I was only reminded of the question. Besides, for whatever reasons I had for living a life like this – I just began living it without asking myself the “whys”. The mundane routine – of getting up, fetching a cup of coffee, going to the nearest cafe for that special apple-pie, taking pictures of myriad shades of the lake – was enough for me to go by.
But the questions… Somewhere, within me I had an answer but I couldn’t rake it out. I spent days and nights trying to find it. My world turned upside down and yet I was without an answer – What am I doing here? I gave up blogging and replaced it with smoking. Still no answer. I cried alone at nights – the morning didn’t bring any answer.
A stranger’s comment, the other day, “I can see why you could leave everything and live here…” – my first enlightenment. Am I here to live by the lake? Could it be just that?
An email from a friend, “How’s your writing going on, Missy?” – my second enlightenment. I am here to write OR am I?
Met a friend, she asked “When are you starting your flying class?” – my AHA moment. I was meant to fly. I took this break to take up a flying course. DUH!!!
Now that I know [or rather, I am reminded of] why I am here, living a laid-back life; I am going to start over. Being born with rose tinted glasses, I have tried not to see the world differently. For me, everything is pleasant and so I am labelled “shallow” or “naive” or “living in a bubble”. That’s what I am, that’s who I am. Whether the writing happens or not, whether I take that flying course or not, whether I can afford to live by the lake for the rest of my life or not… I am going to be who I am.
I just wish I wouldn’t [at times] listen to the voices which eventually begin to sound like mine.