It was that time of the year… the time to get busy buying gifts, looking for recipes to treat family and friends [perhaps], the time for merriment… the time to review…
In reference to the much-favoured Christmas time movie – “It’s a Wonderful Life” – thus was my time to review, to look back and look back more and then just keep looking.
The way I saw it, then!
So many what-ifs come my way as I review my life. I am upset, I am happy, sad and not sad. I don’t know the exact state of my mind. Hence, the review.
What if I were to stand by a bridge, ready to end my life?
- Would anyone be praying for me as did Bailey’s children?
- Would someone from up above send down my guardian angel?
- Would the angel get the much coveted wings?
To the first question – NO, no one’s going to pray for me. I have avoided all or any relationship for the last two years [the years of seclusion/ social isolation]. My family don’t know where exactly I am at this moment. I have tortured them and in return have tortured myself [looking back, that’s exactly what I see or how I see it].
With my family out of the question to pray for my worthless/ useless life, I might be left with a hope that my friends might be the one praying. Not for long, though. Let’s face it, I DO NOT have friends. Along with my family, I have alienated friends – the ones who keep mailing me once in a while [despite knowing all too well that they won’t hear a thing from me]. They might have prayed for me had they known I’m standing over a bridge in an attempt to end my life. They do not know and so they won’t pray for me.
To the second question – I’m pretty sure it’s a positive. Someone from up above will be sending down my guardian angel. After all, I’d otherwise be wasting a precious life in the blink of an eye OR at the drop of a body.
To the third question – NO, a hundred percent negative. I’d thus like to take this space to apologise to my guardian angel who might have to live without eir much coveted wings. All I wish [from the bottom of my heart] is that the “angels” would keep passing me on from one to the other by the time I take that dreadful final jump.
Why? Let me tell you why…
Back to the “It’s a Beautiful Life” reference, my angel does drop by [ey has to, ey is obliged to, it’s eir duty or whatever reasons poor ey is made to do so] and jumps off the bridge, an instant before I make that plunge.
- Yes, I’ll follow immediately. A big splash followed by not so big splash [considering my weight and hoping my angel’s a hefty cute teddy bear like] and there I will be saving my angel, tugging em to the shore.
- Next thing you know, ey’ll be telling me ey’s my Guardian Angel and that ey’s here to help [because ey’s obligated to, because ey wants the wings for emself].
- What follows next is me wailing and crying over how useless my life is and how all problems would be solved had I never been born.
- My angel, being as powerful, tries to show me how the world would have been “had I not been born”.
- END OF THE STORY.
What we [the Angel and I] see:
My parents’ land [their biggest asset] has been transformed into a beautiful apple orchard. The land may not be big but the beauty is just Eden-like [maybe, I haven’t seen the Eden garden but I like to think it’s what that piece of land would have looked like had it had a chance to bloom/ blossom]. The land that my parents sold off just to get me to college, has trees with apples so …… [speechless].
My big brother looks suave, confident [having taken all the attention from parents and relatives, I being no longer in the picture]. He looks intelligent [some things you can just see] for Dad must’ve given him the lessons I snatched from him from right under his nose. Dad must’ve spent ample time to turn him into a wise soul – the way he looks now.
My mom is happy – there are no “worry” lines in her face, after all the only person who’s given her all the worries “was never born”.
I don’t see the girl who almost died of malnutrition. I had saved her by donating my blood. The angel tells me she never saw the light of the week. I see her little brother [all grown up] standing outside a cafe with “Homeless & Hungry” tag. [I haven’t scored any points, tsk].
Some children in the neighbourhood, who I’d babysat for, are all grownups – doing just as well [whether or not I “had been born”].
I wish I had never never-ever watched the movie :sigh: for I’ve virtually killed an angel :’