It was that time of the year… the time to get busy buying gifts, looking for recipes to treat family and friends [perhaps], the time for merriment… the time to review…
In reference to the much-favoured Christmas time movie – “It’s a Wonderful Life” – thus was my time to review, to look back and look back more and then just keep looking.
The way I saw it, then!
So many what-ifs come my way as I review my life. I am upset, I am happy, sad and not sad. I don’t know the exact state of my mind. Hence, the review.
What if I were to stand by a bridge, ready to end my life?
- Would anyone be praying for me as did Bailey’s children?
- Would someone from up above send down my guardian angel?
- Would the angel get the much coveted wings?
To the first question – NO, no one’s going to pray for me. I have avoided all or any relationship for the last two years [the years of seclusion/ social isolation]. My family don’t know where exactly I am at this moment. I have tortured them and in return have tortured myself [looking back, that’s exactly what I see or how I see it].
With my family out of the question to pray for my worthless/ useless life, I might be left with a hope that my friends might be the one praying. Not for long, though. Let’s face it, I DO NOT have friends. Along with my family, I have alienated friends – the ones who keep mailing me once in a while [despite knowing all too well that they won’t hear a thing from me]. They might have prayed for me had they known I’m standing over a bridge in an attempt to end my life. They do not know and so they won’t pray for me.
To the second question – I’m pretty sure it’s a positive. Someone from up above will be sending down my guardian angel. After all, I’d otherwise be wasting a precious life in the blink of an eye OR at the drop of a body.
To the third question – NO, a hundred percent negative. I’d thus like to take this space to apologise to my guardian angel who might have to live without eir much coveted wings. All I wish [from the bottom of my heart] is that the “angels” would keep passing me on from one to the other by the time I take that dreadful final jump.
Why? Let me tell you why…
Back to the “It’s a Beautiful Life” reference, my angel does drop by [ey has to, ey is obliged to, it’s eir duty or whatever reasons poor ey is made to do so] and jumps off the bridge, an instant before I make that plunge.
- Yes, I’ll follow immediately. A big splash followed by not so big splash [considering my weight and hoping my angel’s a hefty cute teddy bear like] and there I will be saving my angel, tugging em to the shore.
- Next thing you know, ey’ll be telling me ey’s my Guardian Angel and that ey’s here to help [because ey’s obligated to, because ey wants the wings for emself].
- What follows next is me wailing and crying over how useless my life is and how all problems would be solved had I never been born.
- My angel, being as powerful, tries to show me how the world would have been “had I not been born”.
- END OF THE STORY.
What we [the Angel and I] see:
My parents’ land [their biggest asset] has been transformed into a beautiful apple orchard. The land may not be big but the beauty is just Eden-like [maybe, I haven’t seen the Eden garden but I like to think it’s what that piece of land would have looked like had it had a chance to bloom/ blossom]. The land that my parents sold off just to get me to college, has trees with apples so …… [speechless].
My big brother looks suave, confident [having taken all the attention from parents and relatives, I being no longer in the picture]. He looks intelligent [some things you can just see] for Dad must’ve given him the lessons I snatched from him from right under his nose. Dad must’ve spent ample time to turn him into a wise soul – the way he looks now.
My mom is happy – there are no “worry” lines in her face, after all the only person who’s given her all the worries “was never born”.
I don’t see the girl who almost died of malnutrition. I had saved her by donating my blood. The angel tells me she never saw the light of the week. I see her little brother [all grown up] standing outside a cafe with “Homeless & Hungry” tag. [I haven’t scored any points, tsk].
Some children in the neighbourhood, who I’d babysat for, are all grownups – doing just as well [whether or not I “had been born”].
I wish I had never never-ever watched the movie :sigh: for I’ve virtually killed an angel :’[]
You know, lots of people think it’s my fault that my mom has her worry lines, because I got oh so sick a few years back, and I was always awkward, and generally the trouble child. Sure, you’ll say, me getting sick isn’t my fault. But mothers always worry. If it hadn’t been for you, it would have been for your brother. Not having any perceivable impact isn’t such a bad thing, after all.
And don’t worry. I’m not trying to cheer you up to get a set of wings. I would have to buy an entire new wardrobe of custom made clothes if I got wings, and I don’t have that kind of money. I just do it because I like you. At least the you that I know from your writing. The last sentence was a precaution, in case you said “but how can you like me if you don’t know me?”. I digress.
Anyway, I don’t want you to jump from any bridges. It would be a bloody shame, aside from being a bloody mess. I won’t pray for you, since I don’t believe, but I can ask you not to do it, for me and the blogosphere
Thank you NICOLITE!! and so hope floats
If you must, find a little Japanese garden somewhere nearby where they have those ridiculously small arched wooden bridges no more than eight feet off the pond…
But please don’t do that either as you will be escorted away by the park police.
Thanks for cracking me up Koji san… just so you know I’m sh** scared of the cops :$$